The Bachelorette: Fight Night with Brian and his Ex-Girlfriend

For the record, this lady has TONS of super hot pics online. 

INT. BOXING ARENA -- NIGHT

JIM LAMPLEY and LENNOX LEWIS stand ringside wearing tuxedos and headsets while fans file out of an emptying arena behind them. LAMPLEY'S hair looks impeccable as he stares into the camera with LEWIS beside him, shaking his head. A defeated, pummeled financial advisor, BRIAN, stands to Lewis's left.

JIM LAMPLEY: On a night when we were promised fireworks, we were given an explosion! as the challenger, Brian, with his weird lips and uneven eyebrows, got knocked off this show by a young up-and-coming crazy person wearing a blazer. Brian never really stood a chance. From the second his lunatic ex-girlfriend walked into that Bachelorette mansion tonight, it was clear he was fighting an unwinnable war. Let's take a look back at the introductions.

The ex-girlfriend came in confident, Lennox, walking into the mansion with outstanding posture, like a young North Korean soldier.

LENNOX LEWIS: Look at the way she extended her hand to Des for a perfectly respectable and reasonable handshake. But Des wasn't having any of that professional introduction stuff, Jim, so she knocked her hand away and went in for a Grandma-style "C'mere Gurl We Ladies Need to Stick Together" hug.

JIM LAMPLEY: Brian, what were you thinking here?

BRIAN: I mean, what the freak? Going in for the hug you've never even met each other? You gotta be kidding me. I knew at that moment that I was in for a battle.

LENNOX LEWIS: More like a bloodbath.

JIM LAMPLEY: The pain started early as Brian's ex connected on a few devastating haymakers right at the opening bell, accusing Brian of embarrassing her family and not caring about her young son.

BRIAN: Well, as you see here, I'm trying to just take her daggers and regain my composure. She really hit me with some big shots early, and I needed to just gather myself, regain my legs, and plan my counter attack.

LENNOX LEWIS: Had to have been something you worked on in camp, no?

BRIAN: Oh definitely, definitely. I knew what she was capable of and I knew this moment was coming. I had a plan, I just had to sit back and wait for my time.

JIM LAMPLEY: Did you expect the onslaught with Des? She fired in there with a continuing barrage of "Are you here for the right reasons?" Had to know that was coming.

BRIAN: I did and I didn't, Jim. I mean, yes, I knew she would question my intentions -- and my intentions were good, I still maintain that I signed up for this not for the money, but for the love -- but I thought she'd just come in with more of an open mind.

LENNOX LEWIS: More like an open twat.

JIM LAMPLEY: Lennox! The more your ex-girlfriend fired wild shots, Brian, the more she started to make less and less sense. She started to ramble and quite honestly I couldn't really follow what was going on. Looked like she was starting to tire.

BRIAN: That was my plan, Jim! That was my plan. Let her get off a few flurries early, allow her to speak nonsensically, and then Des and Harrison would see that we were dealing with a crazy person, and I could make it clear that I was in fact here for the right reasons.

JIM LAMPLEY: The rocky road you're talking about.

BRIAN: Obviously! I wanted Des and Harrison to see firsthand that she was in fact a lunatic. Then they could maybe understand why I needed to get away. Like I said on the show, I was involved in a very rocky and toxic relationship.

JIM LAMPLEY: She muttered something about throwing rocks at you once?

LENNOX LEWIS: No idea what she was talking about there.

BRIAN: Exactly! Gotta figure Harrison is gonna step in there and ask her to elaborate!! That was a major mome in our relationship! She threw rocks at me, Jim! SHE THREW ROCKS AT ME! But Harrison just ignored that statement, let us keep fighting, and the rest as they say is history.

JIM LAMPLEY: No one says that.

LENNOX LEWIS: Absolutely no one says that.

JIM LAMPLEY: That's a phrase that pretty much no sports commentators ever say.

LENNOX LEWIS: Not these days anyway. Maybe in the 50's.

JIM LAMPLEY: Oh yeah sure, in the 50's they said that kinda stuff all the time. But not now. That's all I 'm saying.

LENNOX LEWIS: No, not now. That'd be ridiculous.

JIM LAMPLEY: Absolutely ridiculous.

LENNOX LEWIS: We don't say that kinda stuff. We're professionals.

JIM LAMPLEY: Wellllll ...

LENNOX LEWIS: Well, Jim's a professional. I'm still learning.

JIM LAMPLEY: Thank you.

This is Jim and Lennox for any of you who have read this far
and had no idea what was going on. 

BRIAN: Regardless, I just feel like Harrison really had a golden opportunity to help me out there -- to at least make it an even playing field -- but this business is crooked, Jim. You know that as well as anyone. You know that as well as anyone!

JIM LAMPLEY: Harrison did seem to immediately side with Des and the ex from the start, Lennox.

LENNOX LEWIS: He also seemed to suck his own butt for a great deal of that episode.

JIM LAMPLEY: Still though, Brian, just when it seemed like maybe you had a puncher's chance, she hit you with the knockout blow -- that you did in fact boink her two days before the show.

BRIAN: I can't argue that, Jim. I can't and I won't. I'm a weak man, and when a woman offers me sex, even the craziest, rock-throwing, nosejob-having single mom, I'm going to take it.

LENNOX LEWIS: I hear that.

JIM LAMPLEY: Well, Des was not hearing that, even though she then proceeded to jam her tongue down the throats of around 13 other men.

LENNOX LEWIS: Juan Pablo seems to know his way around a woman's vagina, Jim.

JIM LAMPLEY: He's the top-ranked contender for a reason. The right reasons. And as we head into week 4, the Latin Assassin continues to prove that his Venezuelan charm is undeniable.

LENNOX LEWIS: I really want to see him have sex with Des.

JIM LAMPLEY: We all do, Lennox. We all do.

BRIAN: Hey guys, can I just say one more thing?

JIM LAMPLEY: No.







This month marks the 45th anniversary of Johnny Cash's Live at Folsom Prison album, so here is a link to a great podcast, Sound Opinions, that breaks down the performance. The hosts tell stories about how Cash had been shopping the prison idea to his label for years, but no one thought it would work. Honestly, I can't imagine that any of you care, but this is my blog and I'll post what I want to! Also, here's a turtle!

Bachcap® with Zoo With Roy -- Week 3

Good for you, Brandon. Good for you. 

In an effort to build my brand, gain more followers and leave you old readers in the dust, I will once again be teaming up with Zoo With Roy this seez to write some Bachcaps®. 

So click here to read this week's collabo-jawn on the world's most foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay. 

Or check out the San Diego Chicken eating a baby. 

He's eating a baby!

 

Pssstttt, We Gone Hashtag Some Isht Tonight, Son

Shoulda kept her bangs. 

Shhhhh, shut up.

Just shut up and keep your voice down.

Tonight, at 8 o'clizzock, we're all gonna meet at the tree behind the soccer fields and hashtag some isht.

Loyal reader/commenter/donut enthusiast @Kunk7 came up with the brilliant idea to tweet "#WHOCAREZ" during the Bach tonight and get that isht on television. Now clearly this isn't a brilliant idea becuz honestly who cares, but I got nothin' better to do tonight SO LET'S START A MOVEMENT.

We've already got THREE OTHER PEOPLE ON BOARD.

The instructions: simply tweet using the hasher #Bachelorette tonight and something like "WHO CARESSSSS" or "WHO WHO WHO CAREZZZZZZ" or "WHO I SAY WHO I SAY WHO WHO CARESSSSSS???" and then, I dunno, maybe it'll get on TV? Seriously, this is such a stupid idea and I've currently got a sandwich called THE TRAINWRECK sitting in front of me so I'm just gonna eat it now catch ya later.

#ALL #ABOARDDDDD

UPDATE AS OF 2:21 PM: I think I'm having heart palpitations after that sandwich so you guyz may have to go on without me. God speed.

I Wrote This Jawn About Cliff Lee for The 700 Level

Hi Cliff. 

Worth reading for da comments alone. Click here to read.

Also, how bout LeBron's block last night!

Stuff I Watch: Family Tree, Lonely Island, Learn Guitar with David Brent, SYTYCD, Amy Schumer and Basketball!

Nice surround sound, too. 

Hi hi hi hi hi hihihhihi hihhihi hihhhihihihi!

I'm so excited to for this post because I'm actually gonna write about stuff that I watch!

I love my wife and I love The Bachelorette and I love Game of Frones and I love Mad Men's Wearhouse, but c'mon, this was starting to become Three TV Shows My Wife Watches -- we needed some variety! Plus, this is MY BLORG and I'm gonna write about what I want to write about!

Also, I just had two cups of coffee so bing bong bing bong bing bong binggggngngngnggg!

Evster's note: If you are reading this in your email and the videos below are not embedded, just click on the links or go to tvmyworfwat.ch.es.blogspot.blog to watch them. Obviously you're not going to do that and that's why I hate you.



Family Tree
Christopher Guest's new show on HBO. That really should be enough incentive for you to watch. But if you're one of those people who's super annoying and needs more convincing, here goes:

Chris O'Dowd (you know who he is, the cop from Bridesmaids, and Jessa's ex-husband from Girls) is down on his luck, when his distant aunt passes away and leaves him a trunk of mementos. This sparks O'Dowd's interest in his family's heritage, so he starts asking around trying to learn more about them. Obviously, HILARITY ENSUES, and each nugget he uncovers is more ridiculous than the next. (His grandfather may or may not be a Chinaman.) O'Dowd also has a sister who's a ventriloquist and carries around a stuffed monkey -- aptly named "Monkey" -- with her wherever she goes. His best friend, Pete, is hilarious and is prolly my favourite character on television right now (apologies to Sy from Duck Dynasty and Morgan from The Mindy Proj).

Oh my God who cares just shut up and watch the video.





Between Two Ferns with musical guest, The Lonely Island 
Part of me never wants to link to stuff on here, because I think that by the time I do, pretty much everyone has already seen it. Regardless, above is a new(ish) video from The Lonely Island. Every Wednesday, the fellas are putting out a new song from their new album, and this one -- Spring Break Anthem -- debuted on Zach Galifinakis's talk show, Between Two Ferns, a few weeks ago.

If you haven't seen this yet then I seriously don't know what's wrong with you.

Also I spent pretty much every spring break in college doing laundry and jerking off and it was honestly fantastic.




Learn Guitar with David Brent
Last month, Ricky Gervais brought back David Brent for a short-film for Comic Relief. Now, every week, he's releasing a new episode of Learn Guitar with David Brent. The clip above is from the second ep, and it's pretty much just Brent playing his own songs as opposed to taking the time to teach someone how to actually play.

If you liked the British Office, you'll love it. If not, you're dead to me.





So You Think You Can Dance
I don't actually watch this show, but this dude, BarkLev, who I work with is always sending me links of the best dancers and I can't get enough of 'em. This video above is bonks.

The show itself is mostly dogshit, the dancers are complete lunatics and Nick Cannon is a total stiff (WHY MARIAH, WHY?), but every once in a while someone does something that makes me pour honey all over my tits.

If there's one video you should watch, it's this one. Start that jawn at the :54 second mark.





Inside Amy Schumer
New sketch show on Comedy Central. Amy Schumer is friggin' hilarious. There's no way you're watching any of these videos, is there? I've embedded way too many videos.





Bonkers NBA Commercial 
This commercial first aired last year during the Finals, but it's friggin' phenomenal and if you don't like it I honestly hate you.

Look at that screen shot. Blake Griff is dunking over Hakeem Olajuwon -- that can't actually happen -- this world is incredible. I have no idea how they make these things. This world is terrifying. I'm thinking about taking my own life.



Twitta: @TVMWW

Pulling Back the Curtain -- Ten Facts about TVMMWMWWMMW

TVMWW Notebook
Appraisal on Antiques Roadshow: $0.07 

Look, I hate Facebook as much as you do, but yesterday a dumb friend of mine posted a thing on her wall entitled “The Top Ten Facts About Me” that was almost interesting.

I mean, it wasn't really interesting, it wasn't even close to interesting, in fact it was one of the dumbest things I've ever read, but it was also sorta nice. She shared feelings about her dead cat, the fact that she has a birthmark on her elbow in the shape of Idaho, and some other lame-ass-shit that no one could possibly care about. I honestly didn’t read the whole thing and I made up the part about Idaho. It doesn’t matter. I think I’m ready to block her.

Butttttttttttttt, I did kinda like the idea. Sharing the Top Ten Facts About TVMWMWMWM – a chance to give my readers (all 14 of them!) an inside peak into the internet's shittiest blog.

So here we go!

1. The most popular #GoogSearch that has led people to TVMWMWMWWM is “Coco,” as in Ice T’s wife, Coco. She has been responsible for over 75,000 pageviews. Second is Ronnie from Jersey Shore (21,000). Dead last is “Ex-girlfriend wearing socks” which someone searched for earlier this week.

2. Contrary to popular belief, I have never actually fucked a dog.

3. I got the idear for this blorg one night at my friend Rev’s BBQ, after talking to another couple at length about Jake Pavelka’s dumb face. The four of us broke down the Bach, the ridiculousness of the show, and when my wife and her friend left to get a drink, me and the other dude continued talking for the rest of the night. Eventually, some other fellas joined us to discuss the Real Housewives of New Jerz and Say Yes to the Dress. It was then that I realized I was going to be a fucking millionaire.

4. Every time I see a dog, I think about fucking it. That doesn’t mean I try to fuck the dog – that’d be ridiculous – but I do envision myself fucking that dog, every time.

5. The other day a dog came up to me and I was like, “Dude, you tryna fuck?” and he obvs didn’t answer becuz he’s a dog, but still.

6. On Monday night, I posted a 7-second video of Roy Hibbert chugging a Gatorade on YouTube. It now has over 12,000 views. A Game of Frones post that I wrote on Wednesday morning about one of the most bonkers episodes in the history of television has 82 views. I hate this blog and I hate all of you.

7. If I were to fuck a dog (and when I say “a dog” I mean “seven dogs”) I’d hope that they were all friends so everything would be coolio.

8. A lot of people ask me, “Ev, don’t you feel weird wanting to fuck dogs?” and I’m always like, “Dude, I don’t want to fuck dogs, I just think about fucking dogs.” There’s a big difference. Just ‘cuz I love dogs, doesn’t mean I’m trying to fuck them, even though I do think about fucking them a great deal.

9. The top five dogs to fuck are obviously the German Shep, a Golden Retrieve, the Louisiana Fuck, an English Mastbutt and the French Fuck.

10. I’m so lonely.

Game of Frones: Bonk, Buh-Bonk, Buh-Bonk-Bonk, Bonkers!

More candles than the Bachelorette?

Now that the dust has settled, the blood has dried and I've stopped screaming whenever someone walks behind me, let's talk about that bonkers ep of Game of Frones. And when I say "Let's talk" I obviously mean "Let's listen to me talk" and by "talk" I mean "write" and by "write" I mean "wrort".

Yes, that scene was bonkers, and no, I didn't see it coming, and yes, it's super annoying when people construct sentences like this, but was the killing of Robb Stark, his pregnant wife and their annoying-ass mother really that heartbreaking?

For one, Robb Stark spells his name with two Bs. That's just silly. "Hi, how ya doin, I'm Catelyn, and this is my son, Rah-buh-buh." Not that Rah-buh-buh is the silliest name on the show, that belongs to Jamie Lannister. I mean, Jamie? Jamie?!?! His brother's name is Tyrion, his sister's name is Sersei, but his parents decided to call him Jamie. I went to elementary school with a dude named Jamie and my parents still can't wrap their heads around it. Maybe the Lannisters were ahead of their time? I hope they name their next son, Bryden.

(And by the by, if your name is Jenn with two Ns or Titt with two Ts, maybe it's time for you to reevaluate what the hell you're doing in this world. Although if your name is Titt with two Ts then I obviously want to meet you. Pls contact me. Even if you're a foreign dude. Especially if you're a foreign dude. Thx.)

What are they, part eskimo?!?!?
LOL LOL LOLZZZZ LOLZLZLLL
SHUT UP, EV.

Back to Rah-buh-buh. Yes, he's good-looking, and yes, he seemed like a pretty nice guy, and what the freak, why am I writing sentences like this again???? but he was BORRRINNNGGGGG, and quite frankly, way too in love (which is just gross). Plus, his wife was preggers, so her tits woulda just got saggier and saggier and C'MON YOU KNOW YOU WERE THINKING IT, TOO, and eventually that little kid would've driven them crazy and the Starks would've started obsessing over things like "percentiles" and "putting the kid down for a nap" like every other set of young parents I know.

Mama Stark was a total nag so I'm fine with seeing her go.

For the record, I don't know if I actually believe any of these things I've just written. I might just be trying to be provocative, but then again I'm not really sure what that word means.

Also, the wolf got got!

And Gareth Keenan! Assistant to the Regional Manager.

And how about when Gareth Keenan zorped into that bird and started pecking Jon Snow's eyeballs! I wanted him to eat his eyeballs. I also liked when the wolf ate that guy's throat. Jon Snow can suck my butt!

And did Theon get his dork chopped off or what?!?!

I hope a horse ends up on the throne.

Watch this horse eat apple snauce!




Watched two eps of Christopher Guest's new show on HBO last night, Family Tree, and I friggin' LURVE it! It stars Chris O'Dowd (the police officer from Bridesmaids) and it's really funny and omg who cares just watch it. Or just check out this amazing gif of Antonio McDyess. That's prolly what you're gonna do anyway, and I understand. 


Twitta: @TVMWW

The Bachelorette: Just Week 2. We're Only at Week 2. We are Only, Only, Only at Week 2.

My television exploded during this segment. 

In our silverware drawer, we have one stainless steel grapefruit spoon. I have no idea how it got there, we didn't register for it, it just sort of appeared one day. I think maybe my mother-in-law left it at our house after visiting, but that's not the point, the point is that with its jagged edges and concave scooper, it is the absolute perfect instrument for eating grapefruits. Bravo to the inventor of the grapefruit spoon. You should seriously be proud of yourself. You have made grapefruit-eating much easier and enjoyable for people all over the world. You also happened to create the ideal device for gouging out one's eyeballs.

For almost three years, I have defended this goddamn show to anyone and everyone -- It's hilarious! So many deep Vs! Sometimes they show a horse! -- but this could be the season that breaks me. Des is a total snooze (nice midriff tho), the dudes are lame as shit (obvs) and last night's episode featured a dozen white people filming a rap video called, "RIGHT REASONS."

THAT IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE THING TO SHOW ON TELEVISION, ABC.

Full disclosure: I missed almost the entire rap video segment because I was in the bathroom taking a smash. I did however leave the door open so I could hear what was going on. And it was still, without seeing any of their facial expressions or hand gestures, the most embarrassing scene in the history of this franchise. It was also possibly the best 15 minutes of my day. I was totally there for the right reasons.

That's actually pretty nice photography. 

The dudes are the worst -- that's nothing new -- but Des is not helping. I know, I know, she's got a tight little bod and has already tongued three guys, but she has also cried in each of the first two eps and has said some really lame-ass shit. During her date with Brooks (WHO HAPPENS TO WEAR A RING ON HIS FINGER, LIKE AN ACTUAL RING, A CLASS RING, OR A SUPER BOWL RING, SOME KIND OF RING), Des said, "My family, and everything that happened to me growing up, has made me who I am." Really profound, Des. Are you sure it wasn't the oatmeal that you ate last week that has shaped your life? 'Cause that's what made me who I am. I thought all along it was my parents and upbringing and genetics, but no, it was actually my oatmeal addiction. Totally changed the way I look at the world. We should all be as versatile and soft like oatmeal. We should all have the ability to warm up and blend together with others. Life should be healthy and delicious. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. No clue. More full disclosure: I'm not sure even sure if that's what Des actually said, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I don't even like oatmeal. Not anymore, anyway. I'm so over it. Every morning? Either that or a banana? There's gotta be some more options out there for an adult's breakfast. And don't tell me Greek yogurt, I've had enough goddamn Greek yoges. I'm back to regular yoges. I'm back to regular yoges!

Also, why would a grown man -- who is not married -- wear a ring? Is that worse than wearing a cellphone belt clip? It might be worse than wearing a cellphone belt clip. It's not. It's totally not, but it's still reprehensible, and I sorta think that Bryden might wear a cellphone belt clip when he's not on the show. The light-skinned black dude who did yoga definitely does. God he was such a goober. How could the one black guy on the show be the biggest goober of them all?

Now that the black yoga dude is gone, let's check in with TVMWWWMWMWMW's Goober Expert, Gary the Goober, to see how he ranks the remaining goobers.

"I put the "über" in goober! lol!"

GARY THE GOOBER: Thanks, Evster! Lol! Checking in at #3 on Gary's Goober Chart -- it's named after me! lol again! -- is the guy with the weird lips. You know who I'm talking about! No idea what his name is, maybe it's Louis Lipps?!?! lol lol jk jk that's not his name lol lol his name is Brian. Brian Fuck.

If Brian makes it to next week, I will suck my own butt. 

GARY THE GOOBER: Our #2 goober this week is Mikey the plumber. Hey Mikey, talk a lot much?!?! lol lol jk jk I love when you talk, talking shows confidence and chicks love confidence. Confidence to suck your own dick! lol lol oh I love blogging lol lol.

This is a real person. 

GARY THE GOOBER: And our #1 goober this week on Gary's Goober Chart is Michael the diabetic from Florida. Type 1 Diabetes? More like Type 1 butt! lol lol no seriously this guy needs to calm the eff down.

Cuff links. 

Thanks, Gary the Goober. We'll check back in with you again in a few weeks / never.

Oh, also, the Hashtag Guy already won the all-time biggest goober award so he's not even allowed in the competition. He won that shit for life. No one can compete with him. No one.

Bryden could very well have made it into the top three Goobs too, except for the fact that he's somewhat likable considering he fought in Iraq and almost died in a goddamn tractor trailer accident. But why the hell does he carry around those pictures with him? That was weird, right?

BRYDEN:  Hey Des, I almost died once, would you like to see pictures?

DES:  Uhh, what? Sure, I guess.

BRYDEN:  Here I am with my nose blown off.

DES:  Wow, that is, whoa. That's your nose hanging off, huh?

BRYDEN:  Here's my mother wiping blood off my ear. It bled for almost six weeks.

DES:  That's nice, that's really sweet of her, she must love you ver ...

BRYDEN:  I also have pictures of when I went to the grocery store last week. Wanna see them?

DES:  Yes! Please! Show them to me! Anything but these. Good god, anything but these.

BRYDEN:  Here's some Cheez-Its. They were two-for-one. I got white cheddar and regular.

DES:  Love white cheddar. Great for road trips. This is a fun date.

BRYDEN:  This is my friend, Gary, bumped into him in the cheese aisle. He was getting this weird, French cheese that I never heard of.

DES:  Okay, that's brie. That's a totally normal cheese. And these are actually very interesting pictures. You're retarded, right?

This is something. 

Honestly, the only thing that happened last night that I truly enjoyed watching, was at the rose ceremony when Des gave a rose to a guy named Brad. But when she called his name, my brother-in-law thought she said, "Crab," so we laughed at fact that it would be funny if there was a guy named Crab, and when his name was called he would put his legs back and over his head and crab walk over to Des. Then when Des would call the next guy's name and ask, "Would you accept this rose?" the dude would just be like, "No, I'm sorry. That Crab dude is unbelievable. You should marry him," and then just walk by her and turn around to the dudes like, "All right, fellas! See ya, Crab. Love that crab walk. Truly sensational. Never seen anyone do that. Much respect, bro. I'm out." and then walk into a wall.

Amazing. 

Tiger style. 

Good night. 

Anddddd, double good night. 

Hey sprorts fans, I'm sorry, I truly am, but I found the absolute best tumblr site ever. It's called The Grand Archives and it's just sports pics from over the years -- some famous, some dumb -- and it's friggin' amazing. I haven't been able to stop looking at it since I found it last week. If you click that link, I guarantee you will be sucked into an internet vortex for the next 72 hours. My wife got legitimately angry at me on Sunday morning because I wasn't listening to a word she said and was just focused on picture after picture of Sedale Threatt. It's honestly the greatest. Have a blessed day. I love you all. Not you, though, Rawhouser. You're still banned.

Twitta: @TVMWW