TV My Wife Watches

Top Chef: Is Sarah the Worst Person in the World?

2012-02-29T13:42:00.002-05:00

What self respecting chef wears open-toed sandals?! ... AND WHOOOAAAA MAKEUP!

We've seen a lot of unlikable villains in Top Chef history: Elan, Angelo, Anthony Bourdain, that chick from earlier this year who was a jerk to Bev, those snooty couples from Dallas, Glenn Close, but finalist Sarah might be the most evil yet.

But how does she stack up against the current title holder of "Worst Person in the World?" ... Chris Brown.

"F&M" stands for Fucking Doucher.

TALENT

SARAH: Seems to make delicious hand-rolled pasta, but according to my friend Leah who has rolled her own pasta TWICE, "hand-rolled pasta tastes a lot like packaged pasta." Also, I kinda feel like that's Sarah's only move! GET A NEW MOVE LADY! This lady I work with is a black belt in karate and has like seven moves!

CHRIS BROWN: Really, really, really good dancer.

PERSONALITY

SARAH: Zero likable qualities. Whines in the kitchen and berates her fellow chefs. Cocky, but not in a charming way like Shaquille O'Neal. Not Asian.

CHRIS BROWN: Refers to his fan base as "Team Breezy," proof enough that he's a total dickwad.

Quick tangent about Chris Brown ... HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPORTING THIS GUY?!?! Like, who made the decision to have him perform TWICE at the Grammys (one of which was lip-synced) and then WIN A FRIGGIN' MAJOR AWARD?!?! I was sooooooo sad to hear that Rihanna reconciled with him AND MADE A SONG?!?! I love her (and her twat) sooooo much and feel that she (and the entire cast of Jersey Shore) put women back about fifty years.

I always kinda feel sorry for the little lobbies.

FRIENDS

SARAH: Claims to go wayyyyyyy back with chef Takashi Yagihashi -- who I'd never heard of, but "Takashi" was also the name of the dude from Revenge of the Nerds ("Ohhhh, like salad") so he's cool with me.

CHRIS BROWN: Who gives a shit, right? Fuck this guy. Let's watch some Revenge of the Nerds clips.

HUNG WAS A BOSSSSSSSSSS.

Tonight is the SEASON FINALE of Top Chef and I'm totally gonna live-tweet it. ISN'T THAT FRIGGIN' INTERESTING?!?! I'll tell ya what's also interesting, this picture of a lake in Mayanmar (that also looks nothing like Drexel Hill, PA).

The Bachelor: WHY THE FREAK DON'T WE ALL LIVE IN SWITZERLAND?!

2012-02-28T15:32:00.001-05:00

Guess who's learning to use Photoshop!

So Switzerland is friggin' bonkers.

WHAT A BEEEEEA-UUUUUUUUU-TIFUL PLACE!

The mountains ... the lakes ... THE GOATS!

HOW BOUT THOSE GOATS? ... JUST WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET!

I happen to live in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania, a blue collar, shit-suburb 3.3 miles west of West Philadelphia and 64.1 miles from any sort of nature or wildlife (Six Flags: Wild Safari). In the center of my town is a bar that claims to have "The Best Crab Soup on the Planet," a Wawa and a comic book store called Cool Stuff. That's the actual name, Cool Stuff. There's a Batman t-shirt that hangs in the window and even though I've never been in there, I can GUAR-UN-TEEE you that NOTHING in that place is cool, not the stuff and certainly not the staff.

Pining for a connection to the outdoors, I recently filled up a bucket of Johnson's Popcorn with water and set it on my back deck, and once or twice a day neighborhood squirrels come over and drink out of the bucket.

Look!

So thirsty!

Now less thirsty!

Now, I'm not complaining -- I love these squirrels, and it's easily the best thing I've ever done in my life -- but it pales in comparison to flying in a helicopter over Mount Switzy.

And was that helicopter pilot the best lander in the history of helicopter pilots?!?! He landed that thing RIGHT on top of that mountain! I would love to see him land his helicopter on a Cirque du Soleil guy. AND I BET HE COULD DO IT.

I used to doubt that the Bach and his ladies could realllllllllly fall in love on this stupid show, but after seeing that place?!?! I'm pretty sure that Adolph Hitts himself could've taken me on a date to the top of the Swiss Alps and I woulda fallen for Mein Führer.

Adolph: Wow, being up here really allows you to just clear you head and think, doesn't it?

Evster: (shoving the most delicious peach into my mouth) Definitely, man, definitely. These peaches are delicious by the way. Where'd you get these? Olaf's? Are these from Olaf's?

Adolph: Evan, you know when you get a really lousy peach?

Evster: (still chewing) Oh yeahhhh. That's the worst. You know I had never actually seen a sheep in person before I came here? Much furrier than I thought.

Adolph: Well, what if we lived in a world with ONLY perfect peaches?

Evster: I gotta tell ya Dolph, I don't think you're getting a better peach than this one. What's this? A German peach? Is this one of those German peaches?

Adolph: And what if we could eliminate, JUST WIPE OUT all of the lousy peaches?! The deformed ones, the brown ones, the kosher ones.

Evster: JUST WIPE 'EM OUT!

Adolph: So we were left with only the softest, juiciest, blondest peaches in the world.

Evster: Sounds good, manimal. Hey, when we get back to la chambre, I was thinking of maybe hoppin' in the tub, taking a soak and then giving you a hand-jimmy.

Adolph: I was actually thinkin' about a good ole fashioned rimmer.

Evster: Rimmer it is!

I think the show (and the fact that I don't live in Switzerland) is making me angry, because I spent a great majority of last night's ep yelling at the television; like when Nicki kept her top on in the bathtub. AND IT WAS A BATHTUB NOT A HOT-TUB SO LET'S GET THAT STRAIGHT! There are few aphrodisiacs in this world that work better than a floating titty!

And what's up with Courtney wearing her sweater sleeve below her hand a la Stefon!

Drexel Hill's hottest new club is called ... Gambol's.
They have crab soup, other soup, jean shorts ...

And why oh why did Emily, Ali and Ashley all go to the movies wearing night-dresses??!?!?!?

Night-dresses? I just made up a thing, didn't I? ... "What are you wearing tonight?" ... "Oh, I was thinkin' of breaking out one of my new night-dresses." ... "HOTT!"

I mean, I understand dressing up (you're on a show, you're in LA), but at least wear a jacket because movie theaters are FREEZING! Were they heading to a sorority function immediately afterwards? I don't understand this world.

Even more baffling is the fact that Ben seems to realllllllllllyyyyy like Linbzeyg. Am I missing something here? She's not attractive and not cool, right? Like, there's a pretty good chance that her ex-boyfriend works at Cool Stuff.

The highlight of last night occured when Ben got PISSED after K.C.B told him what she thought of Courtney. Ben does NOT like to be challenged by women. On the first ep, he failed to choose that lady who walked right by him without saying a word (a move that I kinda thought was dope). Later in the seez, he sent some lady home after she questioned his decision-making. He kicked off Casey the Crying Weirdo because she still had feelings for her ex. This guy needs a reality check -- AND A FRIGGIN' HAIRCUT!

At this point, Ben's butt-cut ranks right up there with the worst male hairstyles of all time:

Carles Puyol -- you'd think he could get a decent cut in Barthalona! And it honestly looks worse when it's dry!

Chris Jones from Top Chef -- EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS WRONG DUCK DONG!

Nancy Lieberman -- Tim DeFrisco's camera lens FUCKING BLEW UP INTO 4,000 PIECES when this picture was taken.

Luckily after Kacie B. shook him up, Ben was given time by Chris Harrison to "decompress," which clearly meant. "Go jerk off, dude."

The setting was perfect. Mountain view, high stress, lots of candles, some Swiss almond lotion and pictures of his three potential wives.

I would've preferred a goat.

What you know about Earl "The Goat" Manigault?

I'm thinkin' about live-tweeting the Top Chef finale on Wednesday. My wife ABSOLUTELY HATES when I watch TV and tweet simultaneously, BUT I'M MY OWN MAN. If you're interested, follow me on Twitter here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out this grilled brie and goat cheese sangwich!

The Oscar Recap: I'M IMPORTANT, I SAY THIS, I DO THIS, MOVIES MAKE ME FEEL THIS, SHUT UPPPPPP

2012-02-27T09:28:00.004-05:00

James Harden? ... and how are these chicks not in Hollywood?!?!

Wow! What an amazing show. Much better than watching LeBron and DWade throw oops to each other for 48 minutes. Much better than watching KD go for 36. Much better than watching Russell Westbrook ram on people's necks!

OH MY GOD WHAT A SNOOZE-FEST.

Even the dead people part was boring!

The best part of the Oscars was clearly the Cirque du Soleil stuff. Did you see when that guy was balancing himself on that other guy and then the other guy kicked that guy onto another guy while that lady ate her own foot?!?! Amazing.

Anyone know when the Cirque du Soleil awards are?

Let's give out some awards about the awards:

Best line of the night: Zach Galifinakis when he introduced himself as Zatch Galfinilapdis.

Best speech: Meryl Streep (and also shout-out to Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords / The Muppets whose speech was probably better anyway!)

Worst speech: Christopher Plummer (get over yourself, dude!)

Best dressed: Bérénice Bejo, Jessica Chastain and Nicki Minaj's Liquid-Plumr hair at the All-Star Game -- I can't believe I'm even giving a best dressed award. This is so embarrassing. Then again I'm definitely watching Fashion Police tonight with Joan Rivvs after the Bach.

Best French Bread Pizza: Stouffer's -- for the 84th consecutive year. Has any other French Bread peetz ever even been nominated?

Top 5 hottest chicks in Hollywood:

1. Bérénice Bejo -- my wife says she could be "the most interesting looking" but I think she's straight up the hottest!
2. Penelope Cruz
3. Salma Hayek -- She's still around, right? I remember her having bongo-boobs.
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. (tie) The Indian chick from that Indian Who Wants to be a Millionaire movie from a few years ago -- she was pretty.
5 (tie) And J-Lo! How could I forget about J-Lo!

other receiving votes: Megan Fox (might be the hottest), Natalie Portman (pretty, but whatever), Susan Sarandon (Lifetime Achievement Award), Some Black Lady (why aren't there any pretty black ladies these days?!?! That chick who used to date Kanye totally needs to be in a movie!)

Not the best picture of her!

And seeing as mostly chicks read this blog and I'm totally comfortable talking about dude's looks (probably because I'm still in the clozz) ...

Top 5 hottest dudes in Hollywood:

1. George Cloons
2. Ryan Goss
3. Idris Elba
4. Bradley Coop
5. Chris Webber

Blah blah blah, people are totally gonna have sex on the Bachelor tonight!

Fantasy suites!

Condoms are dumb!

Obligatory redhead shot! Where's Angie Everhart these days?

Boom ba-boom boom, boom ba-boom boom bonkers, bonkers!

My wiiiiiiiife told me to post this pic!

Whaddya think of my top 5 hottest list? Sound off in the comments section! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, watch this video of Oscar Schmidt and Drazen Petrovic going at it in the 1989 Euros. Drazen went for 62! Oscar 44!

NOPE! No All-Star Weekend for Me, Thanks!

2012-02-24T10:37:00.004-05:00

Oh, y'know, it'll be hosted by Valeria, Jasmin, Dana and WANKAEGO!

This weekend is BY FAR my favorite weekend of the year: NBA All Star Weekend. (And how 'bout the fact that I just used to word "weekend" three times in the opening sentence!)

HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I will be missing the Slam Dunk Contest and 3-Point Shootout on Saturday night because I have to go out to dinner with a bunch of white people.

IT'S REASONS LIKE THIS, my friends, that I started this dogshit-blorg in the first place ... because suckers like me get married (I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH HONEY) and our lives get sucked out from our souls and tucked into tight khaki pants for a night out with "friends."

Now, I must make it clear that my wife TOTALLY gave me the green light to get outta this Saturday night's festivities (that's being called "New iPhone app: Dinner with Friends" on our email chain), but after thinking about it carefully and prayerfully, I (and only me) ultimately decided that friendship and getting out and living life was more important than staying home and watching Deron Williams dribble around a bunch of cones.

WHAT A FUCKING DUMB DECISION THAT WAS!

Beebs definitely checking a secret, slutty text.

Some of my fondest memories from growing up revolve around sitting on my mother's friend Marion's couch (we didn't have cable, so I had to go there to watch TBS), eating those chocolate carmel Nips candies (so hard at first and then soooooo gooey!) and watching Kenny Walker (and his amazing flat-top AND GOLD CHAIN) do windmill 360s! Or Craig Hodges's 19 straight three-balls in 1991!!! And then coming back the next year and defending his title DESPITE not even being on an NBA roster ... remember, he wore that generic NBA jersey! ... who am I even writing this to? ... there's no way the four Texas girls who read this blog know who Craig Hodges is! ... BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

And yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the dunk contest started sucking in the mid-90's, but then VINCE ... and then it sucked again ... but then DWIGHT! (I was at my Mother-in-Law's Brooklyn apartment for Superman's display AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A TELEVISION) ... and then last year BLAKE JUMPED OVER A CAR -- and yeah, he only jumped over the front of it, but Baron Davis WAS SITTING IN THE CAR AND THREW BLAKE AN OOP OUT OF THE SUNROOF!!!

In 2002, All Star Weekend was here in Philly and my buddy Rev and I decided to take a walk down to the Marriott downtown where all the players and celebs were staying. I'm not sure what our intention was, I guess we just wanted to be part of the action, maybe see a few players and entertainers or have sex with some of the women who were there trying get pregnant, but the entire hotel was blocked off. Luckily, I've seen a bunch of those Ocean's Whatever movies and know that there's always a way to sneak past security. So I went into the hotel restaurant (entrance was on the street), pretended to go to the bathroom, started pushing on a bunch of unmarked doors and then wammo!

The door opened up to the middle of this longgggggggggggggggg, empty hallway; 30 yards to the left was the hotel atrium: a bar, the concierge desk, a fountain, etc ... and 30 yards to the right was the VIP players/celebrities entrance. And just as I popped out, Method Man was heading my way.

As non-chalantly as possible, I started walking side-by-side with Meth. It's always a little awkward when you're walking RIGHT next to a stranger down a longgggg corridor, let alone a stranger who just popped out of some unsuspecting door, or a stranger who happens to be a member of the Wu Tang Clan, but eventually as we were walking I felt the need to say SOMETHING.

So I turned to Meth and said, "So Meth, when you see your friends later, are you gonna tell them that you walked down a hallway with me today?"

I'm not sure if he got it (I actually thought it was a pretty good line), but he just kinda looked at me and went, "Yeah," and then we went our separate ways at the hotel lobby.

But no hob-knobbing with rap stars for me this weekend! Nope, just some chicken tikka masala with people named "Brian" and "Amanda." Adding pain to heartache is the fact that Sundee's All Star Game IS ON AT THE SAME TIME as the Oscars!

Not even like, "Oh, well, you can watch the first half and then switch over to the Academy Awards, because the game starts an hour earlier," NO, BECAUSE THE RED CARPET STUFF IS MY WIFE'S FAVORITE PART.

I guess I could go to a friend's house, BUT I KINDA LIKE THE RED CARPET STUFF TOO (and I think my friends do also).

If there's one silver lining to missing All Star Weekend, it's that I won't have to watch the ONSLAUGHT of ads promoting Tyler Perry's new movie. At some point, one of us white people is gonna HAVE TO watch a Tyler Perry movie, just so we can understand what the hell is going on in the world. My wife and I actually attempted to watch around 15 minutes of one of his flicks on TBS one afternoon and it was EXACTLY what you'd expect it to be.

A black family from Chicago headed down south for a distant family member's funeral and were picked up at a bus stop in Alabama by a few of their long-lost relatives. And of course these southern relatives were goofy as hell and lived in a country house without air conditioning and then some other relative who wore a suit and had a good job and nice teeth came in and smiled at one of the Chicago women. Not one person was wearing khakis.

I GOTTA GET FUCKING DVR ALREADY!

JESUSSSSSSSSS

CHRIST!

JUMPMAN: MELO EXPLOSIVE FLIGHT BTS from klipcollective on Vimeo.

I know no one ever watches videos in these posts, but all three of the ones I embedded are FANTASTIC. Especially this one right above here, made for Carmelo's Knicks debut and release of his new sneaker. So you should watch them. Orrrrrrrrrr, if you haven't done so yet, you should vote in the poll on the TVMWW homepage. As of now, "I want to start going to bed at a reasonable hour" is in the lead! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr look at this picture of the biggest jerk of an older brother I've ever seen.

Kiki: so pasty! And Detlef's stache! And why did Coop ALWAYS have his drawstring out?

Pretty sure the guy in the front row all the way on the right once tried to sell me life insurance.

Good thing Michael Adams put his knee brace on ...
and WHO is #12 and WHAT TEAM does he play for, the Conshohocken Colonels?!?!

Larry Nance obviously farted here.

Games My Wife Likes: Rocks, Paper, Scissors

2012-02-23T11:54:00.004-05:00

This is a thing?!?!

Every night when my wife and I go to bed, we turn the heat down in our house to around 63 degrees.

Well, "weeee" don't do it, my wife does. It doesn't take two people to turn heat down now, does it? But I support her doing it because we both like sleeping in a cooler temperature (and it also saves money).

But last night as we nuzzled in bed, we quickly realized that it was a bit warmer than usual.

My Wiiiiiife: Did you turn the heat down?

Me: You know the answer to that question.

So as we laid there in silence, comfy and warm and refusing to budge, it was obvious that someone was gonna have to go downstairs to lower the temp.

Now it must be stated that my wife has taken on the role of heat-turner-downer in our home, just like she's also taken the lead on checking to see if the stove's turned off every night, and that the front door is locked, and then back to the stove, check the oven, make sure nothing's on fire, slam the fridge closed once or twice to ensure that it's sealed, then come upstairs and set her alarm 37 times before taking one last peek at the door to "yep, still locked, okay, no murderers coming in tonight."

But I knew my wife had had a longgggggggggggg day -- work, then class til 9:30 -- and I could tell she was stressed by the way she shoved a bagel down her throat when she got home just after 10, so I thought about just getting outta bed and doing a good Christian deed.

But then five words jumped out of my mouth ... "Rocks, Paper, Scissors for it?"

Stanley Dorfman (2nd from R, front row) has deep, deep emotional problems.

Boom!

My wife sprung to life! Not literally, she still laid there like a slug. We both did. If we had sat up and turned the lights on, it would've defeated the whole purpose of why we were playing. So we decided to play Rocks Paper Scissors VERBAL edition, where you have to SAY what you're throwing as opposed to physically shooting it.

After one practice round to make sure we understood how the Verbal edition would work (we first tried "Rocks, Paper, Scissorsssssss, shoot!" and THEN saying what we were shooting, but quickly changed it to just "Rocks, Paper, Scissorsssssss," and then blurting out either rocks, papes or scizzies).

We went best of 3, but the contest lasted around 14 rounds because of shooting the same thing over and over -- we had 5 consecutive ties during the first 5 rounds! My wife is good, she's a solid Rocks, Paper, Scissors player, but I am the king, and the longer the game went, the more I wore her down and got into her head, and eventually she got tired and slipped up, because if there's one thing my wife's not, it's a fighter. She's a cheater and a liar and a poor sport, but if she's not having fun, she'll lay down and give in, and eventually I brought it home with a 2-1 victory (coming back from an 0-1 deficit!).

But here's the kicker folks, here's why you read the last seven paragraphs of absolute garbage ... after she LOST the contest, my wife REFUSED to go down and turn the heat off!

I was livid.

You see, my wife is a TERRIBLE competitor and has a MAJOR attitude problem, qualities I blame on the fact that she did orchestra as a kid as opposed to playing organized athletics. It's infuriating (and sort of hilarious).

When I protested, she claimed, "Well you still have the satisfaction of winning," (which was true!) and then went on a rant, "Oh, yeah, sure, I should go turn the heat down, because I don't do anything around here. I don't cook or clean and I don't pay the bills, and yeah, I wasn't in class til 9:30 tonight, it's fine, I'll just do everything around here, because those dishes in the sink, you'll probably do 'em, just like you said you'd do your taxes you dirty dick."

Eventually, after I threw the word "integrity" around a little bit and in my most serious tone told her I'd be less apt to play games like that with her in the future, she rolled over, let out a grunt, got up, went downstairs and turned the heat down.

When she got back to bed, she grabbed all the covers, turned her back to me and not another word was spoken for the rest of the night.

But we both knew what the other person was thinking ...

DON'T EVER ...

EVER ...

CHALLENGE THE EVSTER TO ROCKS, PAPER, SCISSORS!

My wife's response after reading this post ...

"I like it, except the end. Because you're not as good at rock paper scissors as you think. Also, one MORE correction. It's only when I don't see any gain in something for myself that I give up. At that point ... at 11:41 at night, after working ALL day, then going to FIVE HOURS of class, oh AND TAKING A MIDTERM MODELED ON THE LICENSING EXAM ... then sitting through another class, and driving myself home, and then a few hours later after realizing that it didn't really matter who won ... it was at THAT point that I let my razor sharp rocks, paper, scissors technique slide. And you can print that motherfucker!"

Wanna read some more stuff about Rocks, Paper, Scizz? Check out this article from the NYT about a $50,000 tourney in Vegas. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this rock that looks like an elephant!

The Bachelor: I Wonder if Kacie B's Dad Has Ever Seen His Wife Fully Nude

2012-02-21T23:26:00.004-05:00

All right, can you let go now? I'm starving.

This morning at water coolers all across Amurrica, people were blaming Kacie B's lame-o parents for ruining her life.

And people are right to, they're certainly right to -- Kacie B's folks are certifiable dickheads -- but everyone's parents are dickheads, and Mr. and Mrs. B may have secretly been the most normal parents of the lot.

I know that's sounds like absolute B.S., especially coming from a blogger like me who spews NOTHING but top-grade, premium horseshit off of his keyboard, but hear me out on this one.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, Kacie's dad used the word "prayerfully" in a sentence (telling his daughter to think about her decisions "carefully and prayerfully"), but that's okay, the guy likes praying about stuff ... and YES I'm aware that her mother was a prude, but the other girls' parents were just as embarassing.

This water is fucking delicious.

Take Lyndzie's dad for instance (who's name just so happens to be HARRY COX, but let's forget about that for a sec -- THAT HIS NAME IS HARRY COX -- and let's also ignore the fact that HE'S the one responsible for giving his daughter such a DUMB-spelled name), but didn't he seem just a litttttttttle too excited to have visitors at his ranch?

HEY BEN, WELCOME TO THE COX RANCH! I LOVE HORSES, LET'S PLAY WITH HORSES! WHO WANTS TO RACE I LOVE RACING I LOVE HORSES HARRY COX NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL I JUST GO BY THE NAME OF HARRY COX THAT'S ALL, MY HORSE HAS A HAIRY COCK FOR ANY OF YOU WHO DIDN'T PICK UP ON THE WHOLE HARRY COX THING BY THE WAY!!!

I kinda felt that maybe Harry he hadn't seen another human being in close to 13 years.

And who the hell has horses?!?!

People just have horses? I mean, I guess it's okay to ride a horse from time to time, but I litt-trully don't know one person who has a horse, or has ever had a horse. My first girlfriend's father had pleated pants, not horses. My second girlfriend's father had scoliosis. Harry Cox has horses?!?! Fuck that guy. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm being so harsh on Harry when his wife (and her saggy tits) weren't helping matters either. "Hey Ben, just wanted you to know that our daughter has VERY LITTLE experience with men."

Thanks, Mom!

While we're at it, can you also tell Ben that I have AIDS?

Quick segue back to horses: I went on a mini-rant this morning about horses at the water cooler and my friend and co-worker Dennis asked me why I hated horses so much, and I told him, "I don't hate horses. I like horses. I'd love to pet a horse," and he was like, "But you're screaming about horses," and I was like, "I'm just saying people who ride horses can't be trusted." And he said, "Well what about the guy who had Mr. Ed?" and I said, "Well, that guy's cool, 'cause Mr. Ed could talk," and then Dennis was like, "Did you know that they used to put glass in Mr. Ed's mouth so he'd be forced to move his lips?" and we were all, "What the fuck are you talking about Dennis?" and he was like, "No dude, it's true. They used to fill his mouth with glass and he'd get all uncomfortable and move his mouth," and we were like, "Dennis, that's absoutely totally fucking retarded," and then some other guy Josh who drinks this stuff called Muscle Milk every morning said, "I think they used to put peanut butter in Mr. Ed's mouth, not glass," and Dennis kept defending what he had heard and insisting that Mr. Ed ate glass until someone made the point that if Mr. Ed was forced to eat glass, there'd be blood everywhere and then someone googled "Mr. Ed eating glass" and obviously no one made him eat glass, that's preposterous, but we did find out that they used to put wires and threads in Mr. Ed's mouth to make his lips move, which was sad, but we also learned that Mr. Ed eventually learned to move his lips on cue which was nice for him.

Look at those pictures of Ed's family on the wall! ... Framed and everything!

Back to crazy parents!

When Nicki and her mother were chatting about Ben in bed, they both had their shoes ON the bed!!!!

WHAT
THE
FUCK?!?!

First of allbd's, WHO THE HELL LEAVES THEIR SHOES ON WHEN THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE, and second of awlgs, even if you do leave your shoes on, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE BED?!?!

NO WONDER THESE TWO LADIES ARE DIVORCED!

That's the thing with crazy people, they make you think they're normal -- Marv Albert, Jane Fonda, anyone who drinks Muscle Milk. Nicki's mom seeeeeemed like a cool lady who serves really delicious-looking ribs and baked beans, BUT THE BED IS NO PLACE FOR A SHOE!!! ... OR A BOOT ... ESPECIALLY A BOOT!

Boot segue: When Ben and his "new" boots were on the bed, you could see that they were totally scuffed on the bottom, which means that that swarthy, mustachioed boot salesman pulled a fast one on Ben and sold him USED boots!

That's more like it, lady!

On to Courtney's father, Rick "there's no way this guy's name is really Rick Roberts" Roberts, who gave the weirdest and worst toast in Bachelor history.

"On behalf the chamber of commerce, just wanted to welcome Ben to Scottsdale, Arizona."

Thanks, Rick! Pleasure to be here!

Forget about Rick's anorexic wife or the fact that he's DEFINITELY gonna go see that movie Journey 2 with The Rock. And when the hell did Journey 1 come out? How did I miss that?

Courtney segue: You know how when you really love someone you can't get enough of all of their quirky mannerisms and idiosyncricies? Well I CAN'T STAND Courtney's. Everything she does is sooooo annoying. The squeaky-voice talk, the shoulder shruggs, the lip thing, obviously the lip thing. Yekch, enough of her. Why waste another second thinking or writing about her? Ben is the biggest dope in the history of Bachelor dopes AND THAT'S REALLY SAYIN' SOMETHIN'.

Secretly the smartest move any woman has made. Ben is a fucking asshole.

So are Kacie's folks really that much more out of control than any of the others?

Her grandfather's cool. That dude has a friggin' football field named after him, which is fantastic if Kacie ever wants to produce a little point guard. Also, when Kacie took Ben on her picnic, she's the only one of the girls that took him to eat somewhere with back support! (The top of the bleachers, leaning against the wall.) GREAT MOVE by her.

And how 'bout a picnic segue! WHAT IS WITH ALL THE GODDAMN PICNICS?!?! Why can't these people just find a café and get themselves a chicken salad sandwich?

The only person Kacie B. has to blame for getting kicked off is herself.

Two crucial mistakes:

Mistake #1: Kacie B. should have never asked her little sister for advice considering she's 11!

Kacie B: Hey sis, I know Dad is really skeptical of this situation, but I'm in love with Ben.

Sister B: Yeah, I don't know what skeptical means, but I just put all these glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling in my bedroom, it's soooo cool.

Kacie B: I just feel so strongly for Ben. I know it's real. I know it!

Sister B: That's great, go for it. By the way, my gym teacher, Mr. Langley, I saw his balls the other day. They looked like gravy.

Mistake #2: She liked Ben wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much.

When Ben arrived in her shit town, she should have never went with ole Ricky the Dragon Steamboat running leaping leg-lock-hug, a move that no man enjoys, ever. Then, she kept making eye contact with him and was being really nice and was smiling a lot and that's just weird. It's just frickin' weird. Ben got freaked out, and I would've too.

But that's okay Kacie B. You're better off without that schlub.

Besides, after giving it to Courtney in Puerto Reeks, Ben probably has AIDS.

My buddy Beards's wife posted on my Facebork wall that she played blackjack with Ben in Vegas last weekend. I asked her to give more deets, but she ignored me. If you want deets too, go to my Facebook page and pester her. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, read this article about a new species of Tiny Chameleon found in Madagascar!

Preview: Life's Too Short - the New Jawn from Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant

2012-02-18T16:41:00.002-05:00

I'm so happy there's no Housewives currently airing on Sunday nights.

For the last week or so, I've been walking around with a 35-foot boner in anticipation of Sundee night's season premiere of Life's Too Short, the new show by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

Gervais and Merchant co-created the greatest show of all time, The Office (UK), so everything they do from here on out is must-see TV. They could read from the phone book and I'd listen to them. That is, if they could find a phone book. So sad that people no longer use phone books.

So the other day, because I wanted to share my excitement with another human, I asked my co-worker RJ if he too was looking forward to Gervais's new show.

RJ: Ehhh, I like Gervais okay. I mean, he's funny, I like his podcasts, but I'm not reallllly into him.

Me: You've seen The Office, right?

RJ: I've seen the American Office.

Me: But never the British one?

RJ: Correct.

Me: This conversation's over.

Now, it must be made clear that I already knew that RJ was a total idiot. It's not like I needed to hear him admit that he'd never seen The Office to verify this. The guy never wears socks. Ever. He comes to work every day, sometimes wearing sneakers, sometimes shoes, sometimes these sorta moccasin-looking things, AND HE NEVER WEARS SOCKS.

You might be thinking, "Ohhhhh, well, sometimes I don't wear socks with certain shoes and I never wear socks at home, especially when it's warm ..." BUT RJ NEVER EVER WEARS SOCKS.

IT WAS 30 DEGREES THE OTHER DAY AND THE GUY STILL WASN'T WEARING SOCKS. That means RJ doesn't know the feeling of coming home from a long day of work AND TAKING OFF HIS SOCKS!!!

That's like going through your entire life as a stupid, lame, weirdo V-word.

So serious!

The bottom line is, even though Ricky Gervais is everywhere at the moment -- doing stand-up, hosting the Golden Globes, recording podcasts, writing children's books, making movies, doing chat shows -- his bread and butter is television. And if you haven't seen The Office or Extras, then YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW RICKY GERVAIS!!! ... OR STEPHEN MERCHANT!!! ... and if you don't know Stephen Merch, you need to recognize!!!!

Gervais (and Stephen Merch) have managed to create a boner-popping fan base despite the fact (or maybe because of the fact) that they've only made SIXTEEN HOURS of television programming. The Office and Extras were both only two seasons long -- six 1/2-hr episodes each and a 2hr special to wrap things up. You can watch the entirety of either one of these shows on one couch-riddened Saturday. Last weekend I spent sixteen hours at Marshall's looking for socks.

I don't know too much about Life's Too Short -- because I'm one of those lunatics who has to stay away from coming attractions and previews and articles, and get fired up when my friends don't wear socks -- but I do know that it's a mockumentary where Gervais and Merchant and a bunch of their famous Hollywood friends play themselves / caricatures of themselves.

I also know that the show stars Warwick Davis, the midget who played that ewok from Return of the Jedi, as himself. Apparently, people have been trying to get Warwick to do a documentary about being a midget for a while now, and Warwick always declined, unsure how best to tell his story of being a midget. So he brought the idea to Gervais and Merchant who understood the obvious comedic potential of writing about a midget.

Midgets are also really easy to feel sorry for, and Gervais and Merchant have proved to be masters at making their audience empathize with their lead characters. David Brent (The Office) and Andy Millman (Extras) were both attention-craving, fame-seeking, pathetic saps, but they were also just a couple of guys who wanted to be liked.

But David Brent and Andy Millman were also assholes. And the fact is: assholes make for hilarious lead characters ... Larry David, Kenny Powers, Louie, Seinfeld (kinda a prick), Sammy Malone (narcissist), Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, Royal Tenenbaum, Wesley from Mr. Belvedere, Alex Trebek, Charles Barkley, Cookie Monster (he always ate EVERYONE'S cookies!) ... all assholes.

This midget is gonna be a total asshole.

Just like RJ.

Life's Too Short premieres this Sunday at 10:30 on HBO. Eastbound and Down season 3 also starts that night, at 10. You can follow Kenny Powers on Twitter (@KFuckingP) and also Stevie Janowski (@SFuckingJ), Ashley Schaeffer (@ASBMW69) and also Jason Sudekis's character (@RealShaneDog) who plays Kenny's new best friend. You can also follow me (@TVMWW) or Jane Fonda (@JaneFonda) who's the dirtiest B alive. Or you can check out this 16 year old's self portraits that are pretty cool.

The Bachelor: I'm Certainly Not Compatible With This Guy. Are You?

2012-02-15T14:04:00.007-05:00

Rachel, list your top 12 favorite Bill Murray movies ... go!

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." - Bob Wiley, What About Bob

On this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), I'm not here to piss on love, or fairy tales, or catching lobsters, and if Ben and his ladies are into love and lobster, that's great, enjoy the love, enjoy the lobster ... love love love ... lobster lobster lobster ... but anyone who's been married for more than a week and has literally watched their spouse shave their upper thighs in the shower can tell you that relationships are less about love and more about ~~LOBSTERS~~ ... I mean, COMPATIBILITY.

Is your partner okay with you bringing home sushi on V-Day as opposed to you making dinner like you promised? (Mine was.) Is your partner down with wearing sweatpants ALL THE TIME? (Mine is.) Is your partner okay with you eating an entire bag of Smartfood® and then asking for your last sip of lemonade? (Two for three baby!)

Look, I don't know when the last time you had Smartfood was, but it is F*CKING INSANE. Last night, I seriously considered taking a spoon to dig up the rogue pieces of popcorn at the bottom of my bag. If there's one thing you need to do this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), it's get yourself (and your Valentine!) a bag of Smartfood.

Chicks in Belize know how to party!

Apparently, Ben is looking for a woman who's into jumping out of helicopters and swimming with sharks and catching lobsters with a glove and not a woman with a PHD who drains jump shots on unsuspecting Belizians. (And also, is it really necessary to just grab lobsters with a glove? The lobsters are just trying to hang out and go for a swim. Get your damn hands off them and just let them be lobsters!). I guess that's fine if you're planning on living a life of luxury while constantly traveling the world and doing stuff, but what about seeing who's compatible with you when you wanna watch the Westminster Dog Show on a Tuesday night (that just so happens to be Valentine's Day!)?

I get wanting to sightsee and swim and make a television show while you're in Belize, but these people need to start doing REAL shit and have REAL conversations if they wanna see if they're REALLY meant for each other. They're always talking about feelings and love instead of important stuff like what movies you like or what you want to name your dog or what magazine subscriptions you'd get if you ever opened a dentist's office.

Sports Ill, People, Rolling Stone (just for the charts in the back), Four Four Two, Time (seems pretty standard) and probably a Skiing magazine just for the snowy pictures.

Ben had a golden opportunity to call off that stupid shark date and get to REALLY know these women when Nicki and Rachel were shaving in the shower. I mean, just pull up a chair and watch them shave! What a great (and EROTIC) way to spend a morning! Grab a bag of Smartfood and watch their skin prune. How did it take me 34 years to discover that women shaving is so hot?!?!?

My wife -- who reads the New York Times and thinks she's better than other people -- told me about an article yesterday that said that intelligence is the #4 quality that men look for in a woman. In 1960, intelligence was #15!

So I gots to thinking ...

A) are there even 15 qualities I can name in a human?
and
B) where would intelligence rank on my list?

Here goes:

1. Boobs

2. Butt

3. Senses of humors

4. Open-minded

5. Open-minded sexually

6. Nice

7. Intelligent

8. Likes Smartfood (or at least recognizes how another person could love it so much)

9. Clean hair

10. No history of mental illness in family

11. Cash

12. Understands that you may or may not have a foot fetish

13. Gets excited about something ... anything!

14. Likes squirrels or other furry things that drink water

15. Would be up for watching a guy karate-kick a wall

Get over yourself, kid.

I'll tell ya what's ranks 483rd on my list ... a woman who spells her name "Lindzi!"

ENOUGH OF THIS ALREADY!

IT HAS TO STOP!

That's not how you spell that name! Completely and totally unacceptable. I know, I know, her parents are the one who named her, so she's not entirely at fault, but she's got their DNA in her so clearly something's REALLY wrong with her.

Also, what kinda way was that to throw a message in a bottle?!?! It went around three feet and I can almost guarantee that it washed ashore at the adjacent dock where the lobster guy apparently just takes people out on his boat with no reservations?!?! "Oh, you want lobsters? I can take you out on my boat! No, I'm not doing anything important today, I don't need to run any errands or feed my family, I'll just take you out on a boat!"

Ben kicked off Emily who seemed to be the most intelligent and well-rounded chick on the show. She pretended to be compatible with Ben, but clearly wasn't into riding a bike and playing basketball with Belizians. I liked her the best, but after she said the word "Yay" out loud, I woulda kicked her off too.

Silver lining on Emily going home is that we get to meet Courtney's parents next week, who Courtney claims have the perfect relationship. All these ladies keep saying that about their parents. I can honestly tell you that I have never once uttered the phrase "my parents have the perfect relationship." I was over at my parents' house last week and my mother and father spent 20 minutes arguing about lamb chops.

And they weren't even arguing about how to prepare lamb chops, or what goes best with lamb chops, they were just arguing about lamb chops.

Dad: I want lamb chops tonight. I love lamb chops.

Mom: Oh you don't love lamb chops! Shut up.

Dad: What? I love lamb chops.

Mom: You don't even know what lamb chops are.

Dad: Yeah, they're the meat, with the bone ...

Mom: If you want lamb chops so bad, make yourself some goddamn lamb chops. Geez, all of a sudden he loves lamb chops.

Dad: I don't love lamb chops! Stop saying I love lamb chops.

Mom: Briscuit. Lamb chops. Apple sauce. Name one thing you don't like.

Dad: I don't like lamb chops! I'll tell ya that much! We better not be having lamb chops tonight.

Mom: Did you pick up Smartfood today?

Dad: Yeah, I got us some Smartfood.

Mom: I'll grab us some spoons.

My parents have been married for 35 years.

Pretty sure they've never swam with sharks or jumped out of a flying machine. They normally spend their vacations at museums and my dad wanders off by himself. My mom stays back and looks at stuff. Eventually, she finds him sitting on a bench (often with a lemonade).

I'm not sure if they're currently on speaking terms.

Just because.

By the way, a dumb dog won Best in Show at Westminster last night. A total farce. Check out pictures here. Or don't. I don't care. I've been sitting in a Cosi for an hour now and need to get back to work. Clicking "post" NOW!

Bach Post Ain't Happenin' Today!

2012-02-14T15:40:00.000-05:00

It's like they're pointing out!

Gotta spend Billy Ray Valentine's Day with the Wife ... Bach post coming tomorrow ... assalamu alaikum.

Thursday's Wifey: The Lady Who Was Sitting Next to Doc Rivers at the Duke-UNC Game

2012-02-09T13:51:00.007-05:00

Last night, after Austin Rivers's buzzer-beating, back-breaking, something that starts with a B followed by something else that starts with a B three-pointer downed UNC, his father Doc was seeing going absolutely bonkers in the stands with a very attractive leopard-printed woman.

Of course, knowing that Doc is a former NBA All-star and current coach, I assumed this was his wife. But after a quick Google image search, I realized that Doc happens to be married to Willie Nelson's daughter.

Is she holding that dog's ear? ... She's totally holding that dog's ear!

So if that wasn't Doc's wife, I figured maybe it was Dell Curry's wife (whose son also plays for Duke). I remember her getting some serious air time when Steph was making that Final Four run for Davidson, but I also remember her being an intellectual and I don't think intellectuals wear leopard prints.

Also, why would Doc have his arm around Mrs. Curry?!?!

If they have that kinda relationship, that's great, it's nice for players' parents to bond, but if I were Willie Nelson and my son in law was arm-in-arm with some leopard-printed lady, I'd want some answers.

I guess sometimes crazy things happen during crazy celebrations. Once, after a high school basketball game, some Indian chick with a nose ring kissed me on the cheek as the fans rushed the court. It was pretty exhilarating, partially because her culture forbid her to ever kiss a Jew, but also because that Jew was secretly wearing leopard print panties underneath his uniform.

This is Dell's wife (and Steph and Seth Curry's mom). This can't be the woman next to Doc at the game because that woman was super hot and this woman has AN UNBELIEVABLY LONG NECK and I'm not saying that to make fun of her, I'm just saying this lady's neck is MUCH longer than any other neck I've ever seen, which includes the neck of the lady in the stands with Doc!

Just further proof that Sonya Curry was NOT locking arms with Doc (and also proof that the Curry family dynamic is WEIRD). "Hey Steph, I know you're on the verge of signing a lucrative NBA deal, but come sit on Mommy's lap." I mean, the Currys live in a blatant mansion, they couldn't have gotten one more chair for the photo?!?! There's probably a perfectly good deck chair (and who knows what other amazing outdoor furniture) right next to them on that patio. But no, little Stephy's gonna sit in Mommy's lap.

Could thisssssssssssss be the woman on Doc's arm?

This is Callie Rivers, Doc's daughter, who DEFINITELY looks like she's got a couple leopard print outfits in her wardrobe. There's also a pretty good chance that when she went out this night, 14 different Jewish guys tried to roofie her.

THIS IS WILLIE NELSON'S GRANDDAUGHTER, FOLKS!!

Honestly shocked that of all the people pictured in this post, that Muscles Marinara here isn't the one wearing leopard print. And isn't black slimming? What's this guy thinking?!?!?

Before we rule out Sonya Curry, probably smart to look back at what she looked like as a college volleyball player and HER NECK HAS GOTTEN LONGER, HASN'T IT?!?!

DO NECKS GROW?

I KNOW THAT NOSES AND EARS AND MY TWO VOLLEYBALLS CURRENTLY RESTING RIGHT NOW IN MY LEOPARD PRINTS DO, BUT NECKS TOO?!?!?

I'm gonna go ahead and say that the woman with Doc was NOT Sonya Curry, but Doc's daughter, Callie.

So now that we've settled that, can we discuss ...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CURRY FAMILY?!?!

I honestly have no idea what kind of pose Steph is giving us here. Does Monte* Ellis know about this picture? He looks like he just told his wife that before they get married he wants her to know that he only wears leopard print panties.

(Monte is actually spelled Monta ... see comments below)

Just standing on a bench by a tree, that's all. Not that big of a deal. Just taking a couple shots here with my soon-to-be husband and thought that a standing bench shot would be nice. My dress is getting filthy in these bushes, but it's cool, we got the bench shot. Yeah, Steph's thinking. He's a big Rodin fan. Are the hors d'oeuvres being passed yet?

Another sad sap forced to carry his woman's bag.

Although, I kinda feel like Steph was the one doing the shopping.

By the way, if you haven't seen Will Ferrell introducing the starting lineups from last night's Hornets-Bulls game yet, you need to watch it now.

The Grammys are this weekend. If you feel like reading my Grammy post from last year, click here. Or just check out the only hors d'oeuvres you'll ever need.

Wed. Wifey Not Happening Today So I Can Go Home and Practice My Banjo (aka watch the Duke-UNC game)

2012-02-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

I mean, how do you even write a caption for this?

I'm terribly sorry.

(not that sorry.)

The Bachelor: Are You Serious, Clark?

2012-02-07T15:09:00.005-05:00

This: good! ... Scrapbook: BAD!

After skinny dipping with a maniac and playing softball with Mexicans, according to Flaj, "It's time to have some serious conversations," making him the first male in the history of Western civilization to say this.

Moments later, some lady told him how she used to barf all over the place in high school.

I don't know about y'allllllll, but I've spent my entire life trying to avoid serious conversations. I ate lunch at Popeye's for three straight weeks so I could put off my annual review at work.

"Where's Evan?"

"I think he's sick. Pretty sure I heard him in the bathroom having a major explosion."

"Again?"

In the seven years that I've been with my wife, I think we've only had a total of three serious convos: and two of those were about the Bach. (The other was an actual serious convo after I was diagnosed with Exploding Ass Syndrome.)

But you wanna get serious, Ben? You wanna get serious? THEN LET'S GET SERIOUS!

First off, you SERIOUSLY need to stop spending so much time in the sun! Especially if you want to start hitting the skins later in the night. I understand wanting to live it up while being in the Caribbean (that's not where Panama is, is it?), but all that fishing and swimming is EXHAUSTING, just ask Jillian and Short-Shorts Ed. After I go to the beach for an hour, I feel like I've been barreled over by a Mack truck (very similar to eating at Popeye's actually). This is no way to live.

And this is where I pasted my pubes ...

Blakely certainly tried to get serious last night, pulling out A SCRAPBOOK THAT SAID THE WORDS "FLAJNIK" AND "CARING" ON THE FRONT OF IT. And she thought that Flaj would enjoy this. Here's the question though -- 'cause we can all agree that that was probably the dumbest thing any human being has ever done -- WAS THAT ACTUALLY THE DUMBEST THING ANY HUMAN BEING HAS EVER DONE?

The way I sees it, here's a list of the dumbest things any human being has ever done:

- Kasey tattooing the "guard and protect your heart" thing on his forearm.
- Kasey telling people that he tattooed the "guard and protect your heart" thing on his forearm.
- Kasey singing an a capella song to some lady he just met on national television.
- Blakely giving Flaj a scrapbook.
- Blakely not giving Flaj a hand job.
- Kasey not making a line of replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoos to sell to people who have Bachelor viewing parties and would totally go bonkers for those replica tattoos.
- Me not making a line of replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoos to sell to people who would totally go bonkers.
- Me giving away my replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoo idea right here on the internet.
- Me eating Popeye's for three weeks straight and making my intestinal tract more contaminated than any river in Panama.

If any of us wanted to reallllllly get serious, we'd donate money towards cleaning up the rivers in Panama. That was the most disgusting river in the world and those little Panamanians were just RECKLESSLY leaping into it like they had no idea what a river was supposed to look like. And none of those little f*ckers plugged their nose or even thought for a SECOND about not jumping in. There wasn't even any discussion as to WHO should get the soccer ball.

"Awwww man. The ball's in the river. Who's turn is it to get it?"

"I got it last time."

"F*ck you Pasqual! You did not!"

"Yeah-huh! Remember when I swam back to shore and an eel was attached to my leg and I had meningitis for like six months and then I died?"

"Oh yeahhhh. I'll get it!"

Haven't been to Hershey Park in a while.

That village was absolutely amazing. I couldn't have been more disappointed when the camera crew left and we had to return to the Trump Marina. If the Bachelor at that point had completely changed from a dating show to a National Geographic jawn, I woulda been ecstatic.

Why can't these people just hang out and be normal? On their two-on-one date, Rachel kept saying how awkward it was to have a third wheel around. Is it really that uncomfortable? When you're in high school, you're always hanging out with four dudes and one chick. That doesn't stop the dudes from trying to bone.

If there are any high school chicks out there reading this (and wow, that sounds really horrible), please understand that every one of your guy friends wants to bone you. And most of them would be happy if you just let them smell your arm.

Just tryin' to get a sniff!

These adults need to just have normal conversations about movies or breadsticks or scrapbooks. Probably woulda been a good move for Blakely to throw a little foreshadowing out there and ask Flaj his thoughts about scrapbooking before she just whipped out the Chronicles of Flaj. Then she coulda gone to Plan B. (Plan B is obviously Give a Guy a Hand Job ... which should also be Plan A.)

Jamie had the right idea trying to get fancy with Ben. Her I'm Serious About Getting Boned-act was amazing, except for the fact that she failed miserably by not ever shutting up. That was probably both my favorite and least favorite scene in the history of the Bach. My buddy Law put it best by saying, "Never seen anything so painful while simultaneously in Bonerville."

If I were a chick, I'd be so good at this show. I'd just give everyone hand jobs!

All Jamie (or Blakely, or any chick with or without an eating disorder) had to do was straddle Ben (like Jamie did), grind their snooter against his dork (like Jamie did) and tell him that they wanted to give him the dirtiest, slipperiest hand job ever. And then slap him in the face and walk away.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WOULDN'T HAVE GUARANTEED HER ANOTHER WEEK?

I'M TRYING TO GET SERIOUS HERE FOLKS!

THAT LADY CASEY S. SERIOUSLY HAD THE WEIRDEST CRY EVER!

No giveaway this week (I spent 40 bucks on pizza and t-shirts! Don't tell my wiiiife), but feel free to comment below anyway. I'll give you a topic: MY WIFE HAS NEVER SEEN CHRISTMAS VACATION!! I KNOW!! ... Or you could just check out this goat eating a ribbon.

The Lady Who Won The Pizza's Boyfriend Made This ...

2012-02-06T12:50:00.002-05:00

Winning.

Real photo by real lady who won.

And the Pizza Goes to ...

2012-02-06T12:11:00.001-05:00

Take some Lactaid, would ya!

Katherine Grothracki!

Thanks to all who entered (except @PhillyPhoodie).

Katherine, please email me at TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com so I know where to send your goddamn pizza!!

I bet this guy could eat so much pizza!

Wednesday's Wifey: Abby Manning (nee McGrew)

2012-02-01T18:16:00.002-05:00

What's softer? The skin on Abby's calves or Eli's shoes?

Oh, Eli.

Behind every great man is an even greater woman. And behind every quarterback who still sleeps with stuffed animals is a woman who probably makes him chicken nuggies every night for din-din.

Let's meet Abby Manning, this week's Wednesday Wifey.

I've never seen two better-folded Knicks rally towels in my entire life. What must their home look like? Magazines fanned out at a 15 degree angle on the coffee table, brand new shell soap in the powder room, dixie cups to rinse with, khakis, lots of khakis.

And what about the dude behind them with the Wolf Man beard? What does HIS apartment look like? Chinese food containers strewn around the living room, a woman chained up in the basement, a bunch of herbal teas, bloody khakis, lots of bloody khakis.

Interesting choice of attire for a day at the amusement park. I always thought cutoff shirts and shorts (with an extra pair of underwear in your cargo pockets) was standard operating proceej. I mean, how are they possibly gonna go on the log flume?!?!

And who is taking this picture?!?!

Is there a guy in the (ROCKET SHIP?) in front of them who undid his safety belt so he could turn around and snap this shot? You know what they say, "Great photographers go to great lengths for great photos."

Obviously no one says that, but for some reason I thought I heard someone say that once, so on a camping trip a few years ago with my buddy Parm, I kept saying that every time I bent down or crouched to take a picture. Parm then started saying it too, until he accidentally dropped his camera into a creek while trying to navigate some slippery rocks. My throwaway camera from the trip is still in my trunk (film was never developed) right next to some dirty socks and an old Hustler magazine.

When your wife ruins her nice clothes on a log flume, she gets upset. And when she gets upset, you're forced to carry her shopping bag for her. Poor guy.

Also ladies, there is NOTHING WORSE than being forced to carry some dumb bag from some dumb place. A few weeks ago, I had to take my lunch to work in a Banana Republic bag (IT'S ALL WE HAD!) and had to withstand the longest subway ride of my life. I kept making eye contact with this terrifying (read: black) guy wearing a UNLV Starter jacket. The jacket was actually amazing.

Props to Eli for going untucked though, I didn't know he had it in him.

To make it up to your wife, sometimes you need to take her to the Sex and the City premiere. Smart move by Eli to keep his right hand locked and loaded in prime karate chopping position.

Lotttttttttttta tucked-in shirts and khakis at the McGrew family garden party. My wife's head would explode if she were forced to attend this ... that lady ABHORS khakis (and white people).

I feel kinda baaaaaad for ripping on Eli, because I kinda like the guy! He's an above average quarterback, could potentially win his second Super Bowl this weekend, and he's got a totally smoking hot wife who's into Knicks games, amusement parks, garden parties, manicures, yellow skirts, taking her husband's name, letting her husband wear jeans when they go out to dinner, shaving her underarms, dudes who definitely subscribe to Hustler ...

AND SHE'S COOL WITH ELI WEARING THOSE TRUNKS!

WOW!

And how 'bout your boy in the hat with the earflaps?!!? Someone's gotta blow up this picture and tell me what book Eli is reading. Part of me thinks it might be Three Cups of Tea, but it also kinda looks like a Caddyshack DVD.

WHAT KINDA WAY IS THAT TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET?!?!

He definitely has swamp ass!

FUCK TOM BRADY!

Rememberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, this week I'm giving away a FREE MOTHERFUCKING PIZZA to a random commenter, so be sure to comment below. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out the latest style being rocked by Indian school kids!

The Bachelor: Jennifer the Redhead Gets Booted In the Most Shocking Development of the Seez and Yet She Still Doesn't Get One Stinking Mention in this Post

2012-01-31T19:11:00.001-05:00

Somehow the fact that these women are are emotionally defeated makes this picture that much hotter.

And nowwwwwwww, it's time for everyone's (no-one's) favorite game ...

"DID YOU NOTICE?!"

yayyyyyyy!

yayyyyyyy!

neighhhhh!

I'm a horse!

DID YOU NOTICE the Bachelor cameraman just chillin' in the water while Ben and Elyse jumped off that yacht? There he was, floating in his wetsuit with a giant camera attached to his shoulder, waiting to film their little legs flailing under the sea. I imagine this guy is a master of filming underwater shots, a SCUBA guru called on by ABC to capture any and every aquatic scene. When Ben and Jennifer went spelunking in that cave last week, he was there. When Captain Sully Sullenberger landed that jet in the Hudson, he was there. When Ben and Courtney went skinny dipping in the middle of the night, WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?!?!

He was probably sleeping, exhausted after a long day of SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN WHILE CARRYING A GIANT CAMERA, but he still missed a golden opportunity to film Ben's offshore drilling.

The cameraman who did film the scene was not able to get the close-up underwater access necessary to determine whether or not Ben actually porked her. Personally, I think he definitely porked her (how could he not pork her?!?!), but until Courtney sells her story to US Weekly, we won't know for sure if in fact he porked her (he porked her).

DID YOU NOTICE Ben totally covering up his dork when he took off his pants? Doesn't that lead you to believe that he has a small dork? My buddy Law said maybe he was just trying to stretch it out (definitely possible, absolutely definitely possible), but I'm just saying if he had a normal sized dork he wouldn't have had to cover up or stretch out anything.

How is this happening?!?!

DID YOU NOTICE how Emily is the ONLY person on this show that has moles?!?! I can't believe Ben didn't send her home. And how the hell does ABC keep finding so many mole-less people? And is she the biggest idiot of all time?

Moments after apologizing for being an idiot, she started acting like an idiot again. And why is it so hard for her to figure out why Ben is willing to hang out with Courtney? "Ohhhhh, she's such a vapid, mean person. You don't see her act the way we doooooooo ..."

SHE FUCKS DUDES IN THE OCEAN!

Maybe if Elyse had decided to bone Ben instead of just swimming around like a little prude, Ben woulda kept her too.

DID YOU NOTICE Ben picking up that rose and waving it right in Elyse's face before he dumped her? Was that the biggest dick move in Bach history?

Or was it more of a dick move to lie to her and tell her, "you're an incredible incredible woman," when he clearly meant to say, "you're an incredibly fit woman."

DID YOU NOTICE how much handholding is going on all over the place? It's disgusting! I'm honestly more bothered by all the handholding than by the fact that Ben is a fucking dick!

DID YOU NOTICE Chris Harrison wearing a ring on his index finger?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TRYING TO PROVE?!

DID YOU NOTICE how close all the girls were sitting together at the hotel room? There were around five barefoot women (that's ten feet!) all scrunched up on one chair. So much skin. So erotic. Was that the sick perverted producer's idea? Or are Puerto Rican hotel rooms just very poorly furnished?

DID YOU NOTICE how small that elephant is in that new movie starring The Rock?!?! It's so small!

I still think that picture of the tigers swimming is more mind blowing than this fucking elephant!

I'd like to take this time mention that my wife and I took TVMWW on the road last night and watched at our friends Em & Gil's house with our other friends, Law & Chicken. Em & Gil have two small children so we watched the entire episode on very low volume while they slept upstairs. I honestly didn't hear a goddamn spoken word all night. That probably explains why this entire post is written with this whole "DID YOU NOTICE" theme, because I was forced to only use my sense of sight. Not to mention the fact that Chicken spent the whole episode slinging zingers (probably in hopes of being quoted in this here blog and to be fair, she's probably responsible for 75% of the material). It should also be stated for the record that Emily spent the entire evening wearing a pair of Gil's Gold Toe dress socks, by far the shaftiest brand of dress socks known to man.

DID YOU NOTICE how these people are always unnecessarily running everywhere?!?! They're like my buddy's 3-year-old son, Bassy (and yeah, that's his actual name). When the girls hopped off the bus at Roberto Clemente stadium, they broke right into a trot. Hey look! There's a helicopter! Let's run! THIS IS NO WAY TO ACT! STOP RUNNING ALL THE TIME! RUNNING IS FOR PRUDES!

DID YOU NOTICE how big Rachel's boobs were?!?! Every week this lady surprises me with her big boobs. A few weeks ago, I was like, "Whoa, that lady's got bigger boobs than I thought." Then, last week I thought, "Wow, I know I was surprised last week by how big her boobs were, but I'm still surprised by her boobs," and then this week I was like, "I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF HER BOOBS BUT THEY'RE STILL SURPRISING ME ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LIKE BOOBS THIS MUCH I'M 34 YEARS OLD I ALSO LIKE BUTTS FOR THE RECORD."

I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!

In order to keep readers in the habit of commenting, this week I'll be giving away a FREE PIZZA to a random commenter. Seriously, next Monday at noon, I'll have a drawing and order a pizza to be delivered to your home or workplace. A lot (maybe 6) people have told me they had trouble entering comments here at blobspops.com, so if you're still failing to see your post, simply comment on my Facebork page or email me at tvmywifewatches@gmail.com. Or just watch the new Ferris Bueller commercial.

TVMWW T-Shirt Giveaway Lottery Video

2012-01-30T12:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks for commenting commenters!

And the winner of the TVMWW T-shirt giveaway izzzzzzzzzzz ...

The Bachelor: I Like Ben, Butttttttttt ...

2012-01-26T20:19:00.000-05:00

Dude, that's a nice fucking horse.

I can't get over how small Ben's nipples are.

I like the guy, don't get me wrong. He's got a decent sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously, but those nipples -- like two cherry Life Savers -- I just can't get them out of my head.

I sort of want to paint Ben's nips silver, sketch out F.D.R.'s profile on 'em and then chop 'em off and attempt to make a call from a local payphone. I know, I know, I'd still need five cents, but ...

The ladies are absolutely loving Ben's nips. A few of them are already quite smitten and could see Ben's nips as the nips that they could end up marrying. But there's more to a man than his nips. And if the girls could just step back and take off their nip-colored glasses, they may find a few red flags with our mini-nippled Bachelor.

For one, Ben admitted last night that his favorite condiment is mustard. NOW THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS. Mustard?!?! I like mustard, and it has it's place in the world, but to say that it's your FAVORITE condiment? OUTRAGEOUS! Just off the top of my head, these condiments are all way better than mustard: mayonnaise, ketchup, barbecue sauce, bleu cheese, DEFINITELY bleu cheese, sriracha, TARTAR SAUCE, sweet-and-sour sauce, aoioli (which has taken over the world of onion rings by the way), hot sauce, thousand island dressing and any sort of sweet corn relish. And I didn't even get into various Cheez Whiz products!

I'll take Elizabeth Banks over Colonel Mustard any day.

I'm also pretty sure that on his group date he called S'mores "Sch'mores." I don't have DVR, so I couldn't rewind it to find out for sure that he called S'mores "Sch'mores," but I know what I heard and I heard "Sch'mores."

Sch'moreso, Ben is planning dates that are WAYYYYYYYYY too long. The editors made it look like Rachel and Ben had nothing to talk about on their date, but they were out for over twelve hours! No first date should ever last more than three. Pick her up, chat about some stuff, go do something, accidentally spill a drink on your pants forcing your date to look at your package (it looks bigger when your pants are wet) and then run away leaving her with the image of your wet dork on her brain. It's basic dating 101. I'll tell ya what else is basic dating 101: don't EVER get THAT close to a beaver dam!!!! And if you do find yourself that close to a beaver dam, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ever point at a beaver dam and say "there's a beaver dam!" Beavers can get VERY angry VERY quickly (especially when they think that you're mocking their wet crotches).

Ben sure did look like a sucker giving Courtney that rose on the group date. How are Bachelors always falling for the girls that pout? And why did Courtney quote Charlie Sheen ... "Winnnnning!" ... TWICE?!?!

Ugh, it's pretty frustrating to watch Ben fall for Courtney's isht. There's really nothing cool about her (or her babytalking). When it became obvious to Courtney that the other chicks didn't like her, Courtney told them, "I get along better with guys," which essentially means, "I sucked all my guy friends' dicks."

No skinny tie!

But despite making these mistakes, Ben does have some go-to moves. His favorite seems to be the I'm-holding-two-wine-glasses-in-my-hand-at-once move, which I know is driving women all across the country CRAZY. Chicks actually fall for that sort of stuff! "Wow, he can hold two glasses. Oh my gawd, his fingers must be so strong, FDR's my favorite president, fireside chats, so sensitive." There was a girl I went to college with, Tracy Somethingjewish, who told me that she LOVVVVVED when guys would palm the wheel while driving. "Palming the wheel" is when you make a turn but leave your hand open, using your palm to steer. It's a pretty standard move, I'm pretty sure my Uncle Ivan does it all the time, but Tracy swore it was like the hottest thing ever. Since then, on every date I've ever gone on I've made sure to palm the wheel.

"Evan, why are you turning left again? Didn't we just go left?"

"Yeah baby, two lefts makes a right."

"What? No. Two lefts makes a U-turn. We're going the wrong way."

"'Bout to make a left baby, hold on."

"All right, now we're going the right way again. Why's your left turn signal on again? I feel dizzy."

"Pass me my water bottle baby, I'm about to make my dick look HUGE."

Her neck is probably so warm.

I dunno, Ben's all right I guess, but I just can't get into a dude whose hair whips in the breeze when he rides a horse (no matter how big or small his nips are). And I would never date a person who didn't put mayonnaise as their CLEAR CUT #1 condiment. But these girls are falling for Ben. Courtney likes Ben and Kacie B. likes Ben and Jennifer likes Ben and Nicki likes Ben and Emily likes Ben and the lady that got kicked off last night that never talked to Ben liked Ben and that's nice for Ben, it really is, but he needs to stop cuddling and holding hands and making girls in yellow bikinis wear harnesses and start taking advantage of the fact that these chicks like him.

I'm talking about sex.

Ben needs to have sex with these women.

Because before he knows it, he'll be married and celibate and sitting around one night and his wife'll say, "You know, your nipples are fucking small as shit dude, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just pointing it out 'cause I've always thought it and thought you should know. So don't go getting all gay on me and getting sad, all right? I'm just saying your fucking nipples are small. They're really small. Trash day's tomorrow by the way."

MortonMonsky.com!

I'm trying to get people to comment more. So this week, I'm gonna take all the commenters, put their names in a hat and pick one to receive a free MortonMonsky.com t-shirt. I'm thinking I'll give away the one above. So you should comment. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr don't and just check out this scuba dog.

Wednesday's Wifey: Bérénice Bejo aka the Chick from The Artist aka the Most Adorable Chick Ever

2012-01-25T18:44:00.002-05:00

There are few things sexier in this world than a woman wearing leather gloves.
(One of them just so happens to be a woman wearing leather socks.)

Cue Foghorn Leghorn: Now I say what? I say what? has happened to the sanctity of marriage?!?!

This week, Heidi Klum and Seal (the only couple in Hollywood who truly seemed to like each other) called it quits after 47 years of marriage. More shocking than their split was the fact that Heidi dumped Seal to be with her new boyfriend, Edward James Olmos.

Regardless, Wednesday's Wifey will persevere!

And this week, TVMWW's brings you Hollywood's newest sweetheart, Bérénice Bejo.

Let's check her out before the Oscars are over and she falls out of the public's consciousness.

Zing-zang!

It's TVMWW's favorite pose, the French Flutter-Foot, coupled with a classic Schwee-Schwoop hairstyle by Vidal Sassoon.

If I were 14 years old* (*If I were home right now), I would totally pump-off to this shot* (*any picture of any barefoot woman ever).

Verrrrrrrrry sensual.

There's something so erotic about a French woman rubbing up against a wooden door. I sort of want her to smell that door. Is that weird? That's weird, right? My foot fetish is one thing, but what the fuck am I talking about that I want her to smell that door? I don't really want her to smell that door. That's just ridiculous.

(I kinda think it might be cool if she smelled the door. Not that big of deal. Just take a whiff of it, make a sexy face, could be kinda hot. How do you know it's not sexy if you don't try it? Just go ahead. Try it. It's fine. Don't be scared. Who am I talking to?)

Had no idea that Bérénice was one of the original members of the Pointer Sisters.

When I first saw this pic, I thought Bérénice was wearing goggles, like she was visiting a lab or something, but upon further inspection she's actually just wearing really dumb sunglasses.

It's the first black mark on her perviously unblemished sexual resumé. Also, what is she holding in her right hand? Is that her glasses case? It might be a gun. I hope it's a gun. Or a dildo. God I hope it's a dild.

I coulda sworn there was a time when it was cool for rappers to wear ski goggles. I texted my friend Larbage to ask him if he remembered what rapper(s) used to wear them, but he ignored the text like he does pretty much every time I try to get in touch with him.

So I googled "rappers with ski goggles" and this picture of Ice-T came up. Also, look closely, is that a BUTTON pinned onto his hat? I think it is. And now I kinda remember buttons-on-hats being a thing in the 80's. But what could that button possibly say? "I make chicks smell doors?"

Chris "Say Bo to Drugs" wore goggles like a motherfug!

Look at those goggs! They're not even on straight! No wonder he had such a short career.

"Uh, Chris, you're hitting .225 and we're thinking of sending you down to the minors. Can you even see in those things?"

"Aw, c'mon Skip, I'm just in a slump."

"Chris, yesterday you lined up in the batters box facing the dugout. You blasted the umpire in the face."

"Made good contact."

"Good point."

Absolutely no idea what's going on here, but I think this picture clearly shows that Bérénice is the kind of woman who would totally smell a door if you asked her to.

(She'd do it. You know she would. Bérénice was actually born in Argentina and Argentinians are extra kinky. That's a fact. That's a medical fact.)

See?!?!

You know what that wink means!

(No idea. No idea what that wink means.)

My buddy Gell likes chicks who don't wear belts.

I gotta agree with him, it makes the midriff look so much hotter. I mean, look at that thing! It's like a weightlifting jawn. And look at dude's elbow patches! He must be planning on getting Mrs. Bejo to lay down on that hardwood floor with him.

This is Bérénice's husband and the Director of the Artist, Michael Hazanavicius. (No relation to Sarunas Marciulionis.) Nice lookin' fella. Dope beard. Interesting glasses. (Can't possibly be any lenses in there and if there are they're seriously the cleanest lenses I've ever seen. My lenses on my glasses are always filthy by the way. How do people keep theirs clean?!?)

This is exactly what Ben the Bachelor SHOULD do with his hair. Kind of a cross between a Schwee-Schwoop and a Dipsy-Do. I like this dude ... I SUPPORT YOU, BRO!

AND THEN THERE'S THIS GUY!!!

I actually saw The Artist last week. It was fantastic. I highly recommend it. I also recommend attempting to get your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend/person you met on Craigslist to smell a door. Could be great! Also, remember, this week I'm giving away a FREE T-SHIRT to a random commenter. So write a comment in the comment thing. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this amazing picture of a place that looks nothing like Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania.

Thursday's Wifey: Miss America -- Laura Kaeppeler

2012-01-19T18:36:00.002-05:00

How does one get such a smooth clavicle? By eating cheese?

This past weekend, I wasn't able to watch the Miss America pageant quite the way I would've liked (with my pants around my ankles while being forced to drink out of a dog bowl).

You see, we had company over, and anytime we have friends visiting I feel compelled to put out 12 different types of cheeses and show off my cheese dome (the one item from our registry that I truly cared about receiving ... THANK YOU TO MY MOM'S FRIENDS PHYLLIS AND EDDIE!). So while Miss Pennsylvania was getting knocked out in the first ten minutes, I was knuckle deep in Bucheron.

Also, our friends Annie and Abu brought their two kids over (Sam, 2, and Evie, 2 months) and little Samster ate too much avocado and barfed all over the place. It wasn't that big of a deal (in fact, it was kind of amazing, he barfed all over his father's head), but we had to run around and clean up the rug and find Samster a clean shirt (BLUE, HAD TO BE BLUE) and throw his clothes in the wash (of course we didn't have any detergent and had to borrow some from our neighbor). I didn't really do much to help out (my barf-cleaning skills are sub-par), I just kinda sat on the couch holding Evie (the 2 month-old), but like I said we had a bunch of cheese so I really couldn't pay attention to the television.

I guess it's only fitting then that Miss Wisconsin, Laura Kaeppeler, took home the crown.

Let's get to know this ~~Wednesday's~~ Thursday's Wifey, as well as some of her competish.

When the barf was cleared and the cheese was cashed, we did settle in to see Miss Amurrica get crowned. All the ladies in the room (my wife, Annie, Evie, myself) were kinda flabbergasted that Laura chose not to wear waterproof mascara. It actually made all the women IRATE, which I felt only added to the eroticism of the evening.

The new Miss Amurrs looks pretty normal here. But then again, looks can be deceiving. For examps, a Saturday night filled with avocado and 12 different kinds of fromage LOOKS like a good idea, but eventually leads to someone barfing all over their father's head.

Instead of singing opera, this lady should've cleaned up baby barf during the talent portion of the evening. IT WAS HONESTLY EVERYWHERE.

No idea why she felt the need to hold that spatula.

Did you knowwwwwwwwwww that Chad Ochocinco goes to the IHOP in Foxboro EVERY morning when they open? He often gets there early and tweets from the parking lot while he waits for them to open the doors.

Seriously!

This is Miss Iowa. Her favorite food is French Toast. I would pay big bucks to watch her eat breakfast (that means have sex) with Chad Ochocinco.

Miss South Cackalack, who lost over a hundred pounds by staying away from places like IHOP. Throughout the pageant, I was convinced she had scoliosis.

And this is the runner-up, Miss Oklahoma, who claimed that she "loves dressing up." I obviously took this to mean that Oklahomans are kinky. Note to self: write a screenplay for a porno called "Annie Get Your Gun I'm Way Into Gun Play." Her talent (outside of the boudoir) was doing a River Dance (which I took to mean that she's the kinkiest woman on the planet). I actually kinda like River Dance. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Ahhhhh, my favorite, Miss Tennessee, Jessica Simpson, Jr. During the show, a graphic flashed on the screen that said that she was "An Honorary Duck Master at the Peabody Hotel." We had no idea what that meant, so my friend Fred Frinks looked it up on his phone and found out that the Peabody Hotel is famous for having ducks ride up and down in the elevators. Kinda similar to how peacocks have free reign at the zoo. I love everything about this woman.

But the judges (like Kris Kardashian) apparently didn't think that riding elevators with ducks was as impressive as giving old guys handshakes. THAT GUY TOTALLY HAS SCOLIOSIS.

Nice tuber!

(tube-top/tuba)

You can't really argue with this now, can ya? There's not a mole on that woman's body. God bless America.

Most openly perverted picture to ever appear on TVMWW? I'd say so. AND THAT'S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. What a country we live in where you can surf the internet and find a picture of Miss America's shinbones. I guess maybe that whole SOPA thing was worth caring about?????

Warlords!

The Wife and I are going on a date to see that movie The Artist on Friday night. It's supposed to be amazing. You should check it out. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this AMAZING gallery of sports posters from the 80's!

My Boy Fred Frinks Goes Off On A Mini-Rant About New Bachelorette, Emily Maynard

2012-01-19T17:13:00.009-05:00

I've never seen anybody have a stronger grip on a water bottle.

The following is an email from my friend Fred Frinks after Emily Maynard was announced as the new Bachelorette:

If I wanted to watch some sad sap with emotional baggage hem and haw about commitment and second guess themselves and every decision they made in life, I'd put a webcam in my college roommate's apartment and call it "The Spectacular Turd of College Park, Maryland."

I'll give you an exclusive pre show recap:

She'll enter the show with reservations but will eventually concede that she's confident that her husband is "in this room." She'll cut dudes every week even though she thinks they're nice guys, and eventually grow close to two or three of them. They'll be head over heels in love with her and try way too hard to put her at ease as they assure her that they're there for the right reasons and they always wanted a step daughter and they love her for who she is, even with her imperfections and giant Mr. Ed caps. They'll have hometowns and everyone will love her and she'll fit right in and it will seem like she's already part of the family and everyone will have everyone else's blessing. Then she'll take her final 3 to the "most romantic place in the world", Manila, where they'll all be shacked up in thatch huts, and she'll have 3 one-on-one dates where there will be forced conversation and a grand total of 6 meals that won't get eaten (even though everything is "perfect") and 3 keys that open up the private love shacks that will go unused because SHE WON'T F*CK ANYBODY. She'll pick some dude and by the time after the final rose airs they'll already be splitsville.

This chick is the worst possible choice for this show. She's the worst type of crazy. She's the annoying, in her head crazy. All the insanity is in her head. Thats not good TV crazy. I want Michelle Money crazy. Or that blogger chick crazy. I want a Bachelorette who will either f*ck an NBA all star, stab a bitch, sh*t in a sock, or drink herself into a crying muttering blogging mess every Monday night. That's what I want. It's what we deserve.

Starcasm.net can take a sh*t.

Evster's note (specifically written to Nooch): The opening line of Fred Frinks's rant was NOT really about his college roommate. I changed it to protect the anonymity of who it was really about. Fred's college roommate actually had (and still has) one of the strongest relationships of anyone I know. I also haven't spoken to him in almost a decade.

Also, Fred put more time and effort into constructing this email than he has in the last five years of fantasy football.

The Bachelor: Hey Harrison, I Gots Some Questions for Ya

2012-01-17T17:09:00.004-05:00

Oh what could he have said that was so Goddamn funny?!?!

Yo @ChrisBHarrison, can you please explain to me why y'all aren't using the Bachelor mansion?!?!

Was there a flood?

A sewage leak?

I kinda feel like maybe Kobe is shacking up there after Vanessa gave him the boot. That would make the most sense. ABC -- struggling to pay the bills in these hard economic times -- rents out an enormous brothel to a billionaire (sorry, half-billionaire) who fills every vacant bed with a different white woman.

Obviously ABC needs moolah. They sold out last night's entire episode to Honda's "Leap List" commercial, a new campaign centered around young folks going on adventures before they "take the leap," like getting married or having a stupid baby or something.

The commercial (and whole idea of a "Leap List") made my wife FURIOUS. She argues that it makes marriage look like the end of the world when in fact I (and other men) still have the freedom to do whatever we want.

My brother-in-law and I raised our eyebrows when she said that.

Bro-in-law: So wait, if Ev wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail, you'd let him?

My Wife: Yeah, I don't give a shit.

Bro-in-law: And be away for four months?

My Wife: Well ...

Me: Or even two months?

My Wife: You don't even like hiking.

Bro-in-law: That's not the point.

Me: First of all, I do like hiking. Second of all ...

My Wife: Second of all, you would f*cking die in the first weekend ...

Me: Third of all, no I wouldn't! And fourth of all, you can't steal my "second of all."

My Wife: Fifth of all, I can, and I did. And I let you buy a banjo.

Me: You won't even let me keep it downstairs!

My Wife: Get a stand for it! You can't leave a f*cking banjo lying around!

Bro-in-law: THAT LADY'S CLIMBING THE BAY BRIDGE WHILE WEARING TIMBERLANDS!!!!

And she's rockin' the floppy tongue!

Rough like Timberland wear, yeah!

I was sorta impressed that Emily even owned a pair of Timberlands! And I'm not sure what I would wear on my feet to climb the Bay Bridge (wait, yes I do, I'd wear slippers, because I'd be at home not climbing the Bay Bridge if anyone ever asked me to climb the Bay Bridge) but I don't think a bulky pair of Timberlands is the best choice. Have you ever tried to simply walk in a pair of Tims? Okay, me neither, but in high school the "kids who smoked" were always trying to play basketball in them and tripping all over the place.

The chicks skiing in bikinis last night was sorta hot. I never thought I'd really be into that -- I mean, how hot could a woman in ski boots be? -- but I was WRONG. Something about women wearing teeny bikinis and screaming for their lives was VERY erotic. I sort of wanted one of them to die just so I could check off "watching a snuff film" off my bucket list.

Also, is it wrong that after Jaclyn was eliminated from the show, I sorta wanted her to commit suicide? I know, I know, my wife and my brother in law's girlfriend gave me the same exact look when I said that last night, but I can't hide my true feelings!

Let's cut the bullisht right now, the biggest shock of this season so far (more shocking than the mansion being condemned, or Shawntel's reappearance, or my recent revelation that I want to watch a woman die) has been that Jaclyn made it as far as she did. Look, I'm not in the business of hurting people's feelings. I think all of my poking fun is more directed at a person's actions or intellect than their physical features ... but whooooaaaaaaaaa Tonto.

Worst thing is, her last name is Swartz.

I don't remember no stinkin' pineapples.

Here's another question for ya Harrison:

Is there some sort of Bachelor rule that if two people are having a little one-on-one time and someone else comes up to "steal them away" that the Bachelor HAS to leave the conversation? Can't he just be like, "Ohhh, actually Blakely, Elyse was just in the middle of something. I don't know what. I wasn't listening, but could you just give us five minutes? Then I'll come find you. I promise. Thanks."

THAT'S WHAT A NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO.

Instead, it's like:

Elyse (talking to Ben): So on her deathbed, my mom told me that when I found the right guy, the perfect guy, that I had to tell him one thing. The secret of life. The secret to love. And that secret is ...

Blakely (interrupting): Oh hey. You mind if I steal him for a sec?

Elyse: Actually, we were just in the middle of something.

Blakely: Yeahhh, but ...

Ben: Yeahhhhhh, ummmmm, she did ask to steal me for a sec. It's kind-of a rule.

Elyse: Can't it just wait like, three minutes?

Ben: Welllll ...

Blakely: Welllllllllllll ...

Ben: It's just like, a rule. I'm sorry. (wrinkles his nose, takes Blakely's hand, walks away, and conceals his boner with his other hand.)

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

WHY CAN'T THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!?!?

And why were the ladies SO FREAKED OUT about Shawntel?

Shouldn't it have just been as easy as:

Shawntel: Hey guys, my name's Shawntel. I met Flaj a while back and I kinda felt like we had a connection. When it was announced that he was the new Bach, I called Chris Harrison and asked him if I could be a part of this. ABC's struggling for ratings so they thought it might help to have me swoop in here. So here I am. I'm a nice person, hopefully you (and Ben) will give me a chance. I'll take any of your questions now. Also, that girl looks like a horse.

Everyone else: Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, she does look like a horse. A donkey really. Wait, is a donkey a horse? It has to be.

Donkeys are actually cute. I need to apologize to donkeys.

THESE WOMEN ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.

AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WOMEN ARE STILL GOING UP TO THIS GUY AND SAYING STUFF LIKE:

"It's just so hard to watch you with the other girls," ... or ... "I haven't felt like this in a really long time."

SHUT UP!

JUST SHUT UP!

Haven't you seen the show before?!?!? Haven't you met a man before?!?!? Why can't one lady -- JUST ONE LADY -- be the normal one and tell Ben that she's doing great and she understands that sliding his tongue down other chicks' throats is part of the show?!?!?

AND HOW ARE YOU PASSING OUT DURING A ROSE CEREMONY?!?! YOU GOT A FRIGGIN' TATTOO ON YOUR BOTTOM LIP AND YOU CAN'T STAND THROUGH A ROSE CEREMONY?!?!

I actually understand this. I have a really really really hard time just standing/waiting in line. I constantly transfer my weight from one foot to the other, my back locks up, so I get it. I get it.

But I really don't know how much more of this I can take.

That's a lie.

That's a Goddamn lie.

I can obviously take much more.

But my blood pressure is through the roof.

I just wanna curl up at the old Bachelor mansion under one of their 3,000 blankets ... light 4,000 candles ... and drink some hot choc.

And watch a woman in a bikini ski off a cliff.

Look at that little vest!

The wife and I started watching Luther this week. Well, we only watched one episode but it was amazing. You guys should watch it On Demand. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of my Uncle Dave who's doing 3-5 in the clink.

Book/Movie Review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Not Really a Book or Movie Review)

2012-01-13T14:36:00.001-05:00

Wearing a leather jacket without a shirt can't be comfortable.

I'm not sure why I thought The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was gonna be about a female ninja -- I guess the title is a bit misleading, or maybe I'm just racist -- but that doesn't mean that Lisbeth Salander (The Girl) is not one bad mutha.

This Girl will f*ck you up, especially if you try to rape her, and even if you don't try and rape her, even if you're really nice to her, she's still pretty intimidating. Both the book and the movie -- or should I say the "boovie" -- lead you to believe that Lisbeth is angry because MEN-ARE-PIGS. And this is true, Lisbeth is a victim of sexual abuse, but there are may other factors from Lisbeth's Swedish past that could have led to her violent outbursts.

Let's take a look at some famous Swedish influences and really get to the bottom of why Lisbeth is the way she is ... you know, besides all the rape/abuse/rapuse.

How does the wooden spoon help him here?!?!

The Swedish Chef - Probably the most famous Swede of all-time. Seems like a nice enough guy, always in a good mood, always cooking something, BUT THE GUY IS A STONE COLD KILLER! Always chucking knives! Chopping stuff up! Having absolutely no regard for human safety! HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY GONZO'S CHICKENS RUN FROM HIM WHENEVER HE'S AROUND?!?! I can't believe my neurotic Jewish mother allowed me to watch him!

Get over yourself, Sookie!

Vampire Eric - Forget about eating humans and ripping people's throats out, this guy has an uncanny ability to break up a marriage. My wife starts moaaaaaaning anytime he appears on screen, and even though I've had lentil soup on three different occasions this week, my stomach will never be as chiseled as his. I was SO HAPPY that he fell in love and turned into a major doucher this past season -- aka pulled a "Chandler Bing" -- because he allowed my marriage to continue (and I'm on my wife's heath insurance plan).

IKEA - This place is a death trap. You walk in the front door, hang a left, and instantly argue with your spouse for eight consecutive hours. We once went on a quick trip in search of iced tea spoons and limped out eight hours later with a "Glack," a couple "Slorjs" and "meatball stains" all over my shirt. I would rather watch SEX AND THE CITY (YEP, I SAID IT -- EVEN AN EPISODE FEATURING MIRANDA) than go to IKEA. That place breeds hatred.

Tiger Woods's ex-wife Elin Norrdgrorden - Wasn't there a movie where some chick takes a golf club and whacks some dude with it? Wait a minute ...

Tony Pena-style!

Dolph Lundgren - He's Swedish! You had no idea, did you? Had to be Russian, right? HAD TO BE. The fact that he didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Rocky IV as Ivan Drago has to be the biggest injustice in the history of Western civilization. You telling me you didn't think he was a Russian boxer? YOU'RE A GODDAMNED LIAR. Up until late last Spring I actually thought Ivan Drago played himself in that movie! Wanna know who beat him out for Best Actor in 1985? William Hurt in Kiss of the Spider Woman! I'm not even sure who that is! So many exclamation points in this paragraph! For those of you who actually read/saw the boovie, how disappointed are you in this post?!?!?

Know who else is Swedish?????

This guy is honestly amazing!

Not that anyone not named "Philly Phoodie" ever comments, but please refrain from commenting spoilers about the next 2 boovies! Also, I feel kinda baad that I didn't give an actual review of this boovie, so please accept my apology.

Wednesday's Wifey: Readers' Choice: Steffi Graf (Yep, Steffi Graf)

2012-01-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

Andre Aggs with his most prized bucket of crystal meth.

This is the first-ever Readers' Choice edition of Wednesday's Wifey.

Earlier this morning, I asked followers on Faceblork and Twittles to send in their suggestions for today's Wifey. Moments after doing so, I got really really really nervous that no one would respond, so I sent a mass text to around twenty friends asking them to comment on Faceblork which would hopefully get the ball rollin' and at least make it look like some people actually read TV Me Weef Wooches.

The people I texted were very carefully selected, like my wife and my friend Thad who's really nice because he grew up on a farm. The rest of the chosen people were also really nice, the kind of people who bring over a box of Entenmann's cookies when they come over "just because." If I were to have asked my closest friends to help me out, I would've received a barrage of texts saying, "eat a dick."

By the way, is there ANYTHING WORSE than when you're involved in an email chain and you're really excited and you keep replying to all and then someone responds "unsubscribe" to your message? It's such a dick move. My friends are notorious for this. I honestly hate them. I wish I grew up on a farm (and had a bigger dick).

Those that did respond gave some really great suggestions, such as:

Halle Berry (recently engaged)
Torrie Wilson (A-Rod's new girl)
My friend Annie (suggested by Annie)
Brent Celek's wife (apparently she's a boxer)
and Lady Bird Johnson

A few people (read: idiots) didn't really understand the purpose of my text (to get them to respond ON FACEBOOK) and texted me suggestions like Jelena Ristic part II, Selena Gomez and Jessica Rabbit.

Ultimately, I decided to go with Steffi Graf, suggested by @JesseFederman.

Let's do dis!

Steffi Graf is a great choice for Wednesday's Wifey because she's such an enigma -- no one has any idea if she's hot or not. At times it seems like she's not even close to attractive, and at other times (like pictured here listening to a wall) she looks amazing.

Another shot of Steffi sort-of looking beautiful (great layers in her hair!), but then again, also kinda ... whoa whoa whoa ... check out the dude? sitting in front of Steffi!

WHAT KIND OF HAIRCUT/GLASSES COMBO IS THAT?

That's seriously is the strangest looking upper half-of-a-head I've ever seen. A bowl-cut AND tinted glasses? I think that might be Salman Rushdie in disguise. What up Salman!

I mean for all intents and purposes this is a beautiful woman. She's so long! Based on just this picture alone, she would've gone in the late lottery of the 2001 NBA draft. You telling me the Super Sonics couldn't have used Steffi at small forward instead of Vladimir Radmanovic? Not disrespect to Vlad -- dude has a buttermilk jumpshot -- but you can't teach length! I SORT OF WANT TO LICK HER SHINS!

Again, seemingly pretty, nice cleave, totally hairless, but she doesn't even know how to put on a shoe!

STEFFI, THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD COUCH THERE (and it's leather!). HAVE A SEAT AND PUT YOUR SHOE ON PROPERLY. WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR SHOES ON STANDING UP? ESPECIALLY THOSE!

Steffi happens to suffer from a chronic case of Itchy Shin Syndrome, as shown here by her scratching her shin with the bottom of her sneaker (which is really the only way to scratch an itchy shin). But should a world class athlete like Mrs. Agassi really need to balance herself on her son?!?!? Such an enigma!

THIS GUY IS SO MUCH MORE EXCITED TO BE WITH THE GIRL ON THE RIGHT THAN WITH STEFFI (and you really can't blame him, can you?). Poor Steffi, definitely not her best look. Like a poor man's Detlef Schrempf.

So it seems like the key to Steffi's hotness is: the more leg and butt she's showing, the more attractive she is. But that's probably true for most women (with the exception of Barbara "Baboon Butt" Jenkins who seriously has a baboon butt). And I don't know where St. Vincent is, but $1.25 seems a little steep for a stamp!!!

Natural beauty!

But also has talon-hands!

Such a sanitary kitchen! Where's the mail?!?!

You go girl with the little side-boob action! Let's put this debate to rest ... the verdict is in: Steffi Graf is a bonafide smokedog when showing some sort of leg or butt and I honestly can't stop staring at that side-boob. Side-boob is the new boob. Well, boob is still the new boob, but side-boob is great too. Is that even side-boob? That's not even side-boob.

Seiny is so happy here!

And whose shoulder is to the right of Steffi's?!?!?

We'll never know!!!

I honestly have no idea if anyone reads this blog. My blogger sabermetrics are all facacta because I get 500 hits a day from people searching for pictures of Coco's cocos. Regardless, thanks so much for reading. Here's a group of amazing amazing amazing pictures.

The Bachelor: So Apparently Sonoma is a Place

2012-01-10T15:19:00.002-05:00

Why would that one lady wear a long skirt?!?! SO DUMB! Show some shin lady!

Despite the fact that I recently took my wife to see WWE Monday Night Raw, I've always thought of myself as a master date planner. Putting effort into an outing is a major part of the wooing process and an interesting, well-thought-out date can easily determine whether your night is going to end with an over-the-blanket or under-the-blanket hand-j.

For example: let's say the girl you're going out with doesn't suck; she likes doing stuff; likes cherry soda; never wears a belt. Then you'd think that bowling would be a pretty standard, solid first date. Bowling is fun, it's interactive, it's loosey-goosey, but nooooooo, bowling with two people is actually kind of lame.

Whenever one person is bowling, the other person is just watching, and then you switch places and do the same thing, and the only real interaction you have are forced high-fives (you need at least three people bowling to enjoy high-fiving) and consoling the other person after mediocre rolls by saying stuff like, "Awww, that's okay. A seven is a solid score. At least you didn't throw double-gutters like last frame," when really you're mortified to be sharing a lane with such a dumb, lousy bowler. If you ever wanna just sit and get to know each other, you're always thinking in the back of your head, "I mean, it's my turn, I should probably roll. I can't sit here forever. Besides, the longer I sit here the sweatier my hands get, and I'm working on a spare, soooo ...."

There are much better alternatives.

Like shuffleboard! (or curling if you live in Minnesota).

Does that lady in the pink have a mic? Is she commentating this match?!?! Amazing!

During a shuffleboard game, you get to play TOGETHER which allows for more flirtatious activity like rubbing elbows, sharing strategies or jamming your shuffleboard cue in the other person's asshole. Plus, you get to knock each other's discs off the board! I actually took my wife shuffleboarding once and it was a fucking disaster; we got into a major fight because I kept blasting her discs off the board and celebrating with Tiger Woods-style fist pumps. But we eventually reconciled and had mind-blowing makeup ~~sex~~ over-the-blanket handies.

Innnnn conclusion (I'm actually just getting started), I was pretty happy to see that Bachelor Ben had planned some of his own dates this week as opposed to ABC's bonkers dates where they fly people to Madagascar to go water-sliding with live sea otters. (That actually sounds like an amazing date.)

Ben decided to take the ladies to his hometown of Sonoma, California (a place that I'm apparently supposed to have heard of), and on his first date with Kacie, he sped RIGHT PAST the Sonoma Cheese Factory (in his weird red truck thing) and decided instead to have dinner at some place that was not the Sonoma Cheese Factory. Here's the thing: HOW DID HE NOT TAKE THAT LADY TO THE SONOMA CHEESE FACTORY?!?! If Ben took her to the Sonoma Cheese Factory, she totally woulda skipped the handies and gone straight to sea otter-sex. (No one can resist a nice chiévres de goat!!! Let alone an entire factory of it!!!)

Cliff Reynolds and Stu Gorman have combined to get (and give) over 350 career hand-j's.

Later on the date, Kacie let Ben know that she was a baton twirler as a kid, to which Ben lied right to her face and said, "Wow, that's awesome." I mean, that's not really awesome. I guess it's kinda awesome, I did once know a chick who could twirl a baton and it was pretty dope, but I like to save words like "awesome" for nights when I get to eat a giant pile of cheese.

Blakely understands awesome, she understands how to put a little effort into a date, and she understands men (much moreso than any of these other ladies) as she decided to break out her onion rings on the very first group date. Here's the thing though, THAT'S SIMPLE DATING DUDES 101. Clearly the other girls have not been studying.

On day one of DATING DUDES 101 they teach you:

A) show off your boobs and/or butt
B) shove your tongue down a dude's throat
C) do other stuff that's very similar to A and B

This is important information that all women should know.

Not to mention, on day two of DATING DUDES 101 they teach you what NOT to do, which is VERY SIMPLY:

DON'T GET CAUGHT CURLED UP IN A BALL CRYING IN THE LUGGAGE ROOM OR ANY ROOM FOR THAT MATTER JUST DON'T CRY HONESTLY WHY WOULD YOU CRY GUYS DON'T LIKE CRYING THIS IS SO SIMPLE WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW UP FOR THE SECOND DAY OF CLASS

Last week my wife showed me this article from the New York Times where there was a study done and "researchers found that men who sniffed drops of women's tears became less sexually aroused." Essentially, if a woman cries, that means, "not tonight, dear," and we dudes lose all interest because there's no chance we're getting any action. THIS IS SCIENCE FOLKS.

SCIENCE!

If I were the Bach, I'd rather a woman took a smash in her pants during the rose ceremony than curled up in the fetal position and cried her eyes out. At least an excuse can be made for why a lady shit her pants.

"Oh man, I never shoulda gone to the Olive Garden last night."

or ...

"This whole process has just been very emotional, and I ate at the Olive Garden last night."

or ...

"Whenever I eat at the Olive Garden I feel the best way to express myself artistically is to shit anywhere and everywhere. I do like their breadsticks though."

That's excusable!

So erotic.

Later on, during a boring date (picnic) where Ben brought his dog (brilliant), Courtney the retarded model echoed what some of the other ladies had been thinking about Ben, "He'd make a really great Dad," just seconds after he put a towel over his cold dog. Because we all know that the number one way to be a good Dad is to put a towel on a dog.

My wife doesn't hate Courtney as much as the fact that she hates the other women for not standing up to her. After Courtney was chosen for a one-on-one date and gloated to the other girls saying, "How's that taste?" they all just sat in silence. My wife was FURIOUS that no women fired back. How hard is it to just say something like:

"Actually, it tastes fine because I already sucked on his tongue last night."

or ...

"I dunno how it tastes but I know that you're an arrogant slut."

orrrrrrrrr ...

"It tastes like bananas!"

Any of those reactions would've been better than just sitting there and taking it.

Get over yourself Courtney! (so hot though)

These women need help.

Lyndzie (real spelling!) tried to impress Ben by explaining how down-home and non-girly she was by saying that "dirt is my makeup." My wife quickly advised her, "If you wanted to impress him, you shoulda said semen was your makeup."

JUST BE HONEST!

The more I watch this show, the more thankful I am that I have a wife who understands me. A woman who's okay if I wanna take her to a wrastlin' show. A woman who's not grossed out when I tell her that the most erotic scene from last night's show was when the cameraman filmed a shot of six high heels underneath a bathroom stall.

That cameraman clearly put effort into that shot.

The girls closed the door on him and instead of retreating, he tilted his lens down and filmed their bare ankles on the dirty floor of a Sonoma bathroom.

Only a true pervert could've reacted that way and only a true perv could appreciate it.

That cameraman puts thought into his job.

I sees you, cameraman. I sees you.

How is this lady still on the show by the way?!?!?

IFC represent-represent-zent! Their Friday night lineup of Portlandia and The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret is the best hour on TV. You should watch. Or you should at least listen to this episode of Fresh Air with Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein. Or you could just look at this really sleepy sea otter.

Guy Gets Gigantic Boner in Anticipation of Tonight's Bach Episode

2012-01-09T17:15:00.001-05:00

Not pictured: Captain Boneberg

Herman J. Dorvdale broke his own personal boner record earlier this afternoon when he grew a 36-foot bone.

"I just really like the show," said Dorvdale, as he tried to cover up his bone with a tarp.

Dorv's boner could not be reached for comment, it was too busy being enormous.

CHARLES BARKS IS HOSTING SNL THIS SATURDAY!

2012-01-05T12:13:00.000-05:00

Does Manute have a couple bucks rolled up in his sock?

TVMWW's role models:

1. Charles Barkley
2. Eazy-E
3. Cookie Monster
4. General Tso
5. The Guy Who Invented Socks

And Saturday's musical guest:

Rondo?

Wednesday's Wifey: LeBron's Fiancée Savannah Brinson

2012-01-04T13:20:00.000-05:00

My mother would've had a freaking heart attack if I ever played basketball that close to the edge of the pool.

Just two weeks after the Black Mamba's wife Vanessa filed for divorce (and gets HALF BABY HALF of his dough), LeBronski decided to take the plunge with his longtime girlfriend and mother of his children, Savannah Brinson.

Bron-Bron and Savannah have been together since high school, although I imagine (AND THIS IS PURELY SPECULASHE) that he's done some sniffing and snorfing on the side in the past decade. But now the King is settling down, with a woman who may or may not have a thigh tattoo.

Let's go!

You gotta admire a woman in a blazer, especially if that woman is younger than 55 years old. And how 'bout the fact that she decided to pair it with a pin?!?! My Aunt Maxine would totally approve of this outfit. Personally, I like the dude behind Savannah, who decided to go sans-undershirt for the evening. That'swhatI'mtalkin'bout Smooth Operator! But if you just undid one more button, SO MUCH MORE EXHILARATING!

See now Bronski, you gotta be careful who you allow your wife to hang out with. I don't let my wife ever even come close to any Austrians, let alone one who impregnated his housekeeper. I really like how you can tell that Maria is kinda muttering through that fake smile, "Get your furkin' hands off me you furkin' prick, I'm only here to make you look good and meet black men. I still want half motherfurker, HALF."

C'mon LBJ!

Are you cereal?!?!? These people are NOT good influences on your marriage! And how do these women have such strong calves?!?!

"Okay okay LeBron, get in there get in there, yeah that's perfect and Mary J? Mary J if you and your husband could just get a little tighter and yeah, pick your chin up a bit, don't wanna show the double, that's nice, real nice, and Savannah, you're good, just put your left arm down at your side, love your makeup by the way, and Mr. Blige, exactly, exactly, just off of Mary's shoulder and yeah, white lady, yeah, white lady, if could you just stand right there on Savannah's left and look like you absolutely don't belong in this picture yeah that'd be perfect, and make a weird face for me, yep, got it, yep, one more! Got it!"

All that posing for pictures and hanging out with adulterers can be exhausting. Sometimes you need to just get away, go for a dip and the ocean and have your all-star future husband stretch out your rotator cuff. Although there's a chance that Bronny is simply trying to get an underwater hand-j. (Can't blame him for that, you honestly can't.)

Whoa. Was not expecting a shin tattoo out of the future Queen James. But y'know what? As far as shin tattoos go, I kinda like it! This was found on Savannah's Faceblork page by the way and I'm not making that up.

Classy lady!

And how 'bout those lines in LBJ's head?! I know everybody hates LeBron these days, but I really really like him. Below is a very dramatic / boring video of him jumping off a platform into a swimming pool in Barcelona.

Just playing the fiddle with my good pal CP3 on the mic!

Forget about Savannah and her ring, how 'bout the dude in the upper left-hand corner of the shot? (Who also happens to be going sans-undershirt.) "What's going on down there? Is that a camera? What's that, one of those cameras?"

HOW MANY WOMEN DO THESE GUYS NEED? Just the three for Chris Bosh, that's all. Unless that white lady with the terrible dress belongs to D-Wade, but I can't imagine that's possible. Chris Bosh is also the only asshole in Miami who apparently wears an undershirt.

And now for the Thigh Tattoo Queen of Philadelphia!

And now for someone completely different!

For the record, I actually love wearing undershirts (v-necks). THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING, ISN'T IT?!?! Check out this squirrel!

The Bachelor Premiere: It Hurts So Good (not that good)

2012-01-03T18:21:00.010-05:00

"So I says to the guy, I says to him ..."

Not sure if you're aware of this, but you're currently reading a blorg that was ranked in the TOP 50 BEST BACHELOR BLORGS by ChristianCounselingDegree.org.

This is obviously a great honor -- ChristianCounselingDegree.org is the preeminent critic of Bachelor blogs -- so thank you to the good Christian people and their degree counseling (dot org). Of course, it must also be mentioned that there are many many many more than 50 Bachelor blorgs out there IN THE ENTIRE WORLD (there are fifty-seven), so to make the top 50, well, what can I say? What a blessing. Thank you Jeebus.

Now you'd think that after watching the Bachelor/ette for six seasons running (and making a little something called THE TOP 50 BEST BACHELOR BLOGS IN THE WORLD LIST) that it would get easier to watch the show, but it hasn't. No matter how experienced a viewer I am (this is my 7th season) and however my blog happens to be rated (just top 50, that's all), it's still so difficult to watch women rap on national television. Last night was no exception, and Emily's rap (that for all intents and purposes WAS NOT THE WORST RAP IN THE WORLD -- you gotta admit she used some semi-decent vocabulary) was still sooooo much more painful than sitting through a seminar given by the (VERY) good people from the Christian Counselingdegree.org.

ChristianCounselingDegree.org's #1 ranked quaterback. Also, this pass intended for Eddie Royal ended up hitting an assistant coach right in his fucking throat.

Another one of my favorite momes from last night was when Erika (the law student) introduced herself to Ben and said, AND I QUOTE:

"You're guilty ... of being sexy!"

THOSE WERE REAL WORDS THAT CAME OUT OF A REAL PERSON'S MOUTH AND THAT PERSON HAD MONTHS -- LITERALLY MONTHS-- TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Here are the notes written down by my friends and I next to Erika's name on our Bachelor cheat sheets:

Bridget: "Yuck."
Nick: "Dud."
Leigh: "Cheesy."
Pat: "Not impressed."
My Wife: (nothing)
Me: "I hate this woman!"

But that's what so great (great's not the right word there, is it? ... captivating? addicting? horrible?) about the Bach; it's a three-month war that you have to grind out, fight through and eventually reap the reward of feeling better about yourself because you're not as crazy as these other people. I equate watching the Bach to eating nuclear-flavored wings -- pain is the attraction -- or to watching a really bad television show because your wife runs your life.

Seconds after a Tebow pass almost hit Ben in his fucking throat.

We learned some new things about Ben last night during the montage; such as the fact that he plays the piano (I see you Ben!), the J in his last name is silent (so disappointing) and he has very very small nipples (go back and watch the kayaking scene, those jawns were like teeny little dime-nips!).

I'm guessing that even though she's a horrible person, Courtney (the model) has perfectly shaped and hairless nips. She made a statement early on that Ben should end up with her because "I'm worth it." Some people might like her confidence ... others (aka everybody) may have hated her ... I instantly thought of a pair of tightie-whities I once owned that said, "I'm Worth It" on the butt and had a faux $100 bill sewed into the dick-pouch. They were actually my father's underpants and I used to borrow them from time to time and I never really thought that was weird until I just typed that last sentence. WHY THE HELL DID I BORROW MY FATHER'S UNDERPANTS?!?! I mean, clearly they were amazing, BUT THAT'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON. Well, maybe now when you look at Courtney and her beautiful face you'll think of my father's balls (and mine, AND MINE) dangling in our tightie-whizzles.

Kinda sad when girls don't get picked, like the lovely lady from Nebraska who shot guns (AND BOWS AND ARROWS I MEAN WHO SHOOTS BOWS AND ARROWS THESE DAYS LEGOLAS) and provided a nice moment when she ate cow balls. A lot of ball-action in this post so far by the way ... I guess that's what Christian Counselmen (or women!) like. But did you notice that while her family dined on the cow balls that they also served Club crackers with them? HOW GOOD ARE CLUB CRACKERS?!?! What are we doing with our lives that we're so Goddamn busy that we're not eating Club crackers EVERY GODDAMN DAY?!?!

Look at all the little crumbs he spilled! What an asshole!

And poor Jenna. Poor, poor Jenna. I know I yoke around a lot on this blog (that just so happens to be one of the 50 greatest Bachelor blogs in the bidness), but that lady has very very serious mental problems. Like, she needs to be institutionalized. The face twitching? The sobbing? She probably sucks at kickball.

Chris Harrison has no sympathy for that type of behavior these days. A young Harrison would've pulled her aside and given her a blanket, but the veteran Harrison has totally checked out. Did you notice him not listening to a word Flaj was saying when they were having their fireside chat?

Flaj: You know, this year I'm just utterly available. I'm hoping to find love feelings, to make my father proud and to maybe come out of here with a great woman on my arm.

Harrison: Yeah, definitely. So your Dad died or something?

Flaj: Funny story for you Chris, actually ...

Harrison: Yeah, that's funny.

Flaj: This morning in the garden, I saw a hummingbird, and my dead father loved hummingbirds.

Harrison: Sorry, are there A LOT of candles in here? Turn around for a sec. You ever seen a candle that big?

Flaj: My mother actually lit a candle when my father ...

Harrison: That thing is HUGE! Must burn for like eight days! That's like a friggin' Hannukah candle! Like a real one!

This guy was honest, but I don't think his name is in the record books next to Wilt the Stilt's 30,000.

The chicks seemed to really admire Ben's honesty though. One lady mentioned that she loved that he was "honest, genuine and sincere," which if I'm not mistaken are all synonyms. I don't really get it! I mean, what's so great about honesty? I don't care if my wife's honest. That's like 37th on my list. When I was looking for a woman to settle down with, I wanted someone who was open-minded, who didn't take isht too seriously, and who had breasts the size of Rhode Island. And I got two out of three!

If Flaj also wants honesty, he should look no further than the lady who said she was gonna cut Jenna's face off, because I honestly feel like she'd do that!

WHAT A MANIAC!

Jenna may have been right to hide in the bathroom and weep like a crazy person. I'd probably do the same thing if someone told me they were gonna cut my face off. Either that or befriend the lady who brought her crossbow.

But you know what? Jenna didn't hide all night! (just most of the night). And when it was time to head to that rose ceremony, she could've just bolted out the door (or drowned herself in the pool). BUT SHE DIDN'T. She soldiered on, got up there, and got a rose! Because she's a warrior! The saddest, strangest, most chemically imbalanced warrior (WHO HAS SERIOUS SERIOUS MENTAL ISSUES) the world has ever seen.

But Jenna is a role model to every woman (and manimal) out there!

After last night's premiere, after all the dust had settled and all the tears were wiped away, my friend Chicken wrote on Facebork:

"The Bachelor makes me ashamed to be an American, a woman and alive. But I will NOT stop watching ... I will NOT."

Amen sister.

Amazing that it took this long in the post to put up a picture of this lady.

Did you knowwwwwwwwwwww that TVMWW is on Faceborg and Twittler? Of course you did, I mention it all the time. But if you dih'ihn't, go ahead and follow me. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this almost-interesting article (not really an article, more like just a picture) about the world's most viewed photograph.